Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate. I wrestle with my demons as well and it can be very exhausting at times. It takes mindfulness, support, perseverance and love to beat the demons we fight. My demon is also heroin. I started using at 12, weed, booze, pills, whatever I could get my hands on. I graduated to opitates at 15 and didn't stop until I was 26. I had tried therapy, out patient programs and nothing helped because bottom line i wasn't ready. Things finally came to a head and I stopped using at the age of 26. I kicked opiates cold turkey on my mothers couch. From that point I started going to NA meetings and working the 12 steps. It helped immensely for me. Being able to identify with people who were just like me. Working the 12 steps to help me identify my thoughts and behaviors. Once I knew how I functioned I was able to change how I thought and behaved. I stayed clean for almost 4 years by going to meetings and doing step work. I ended up relapsing 1 month before my 4 year anniversary. I started using again because I was extremely post postpartum after having my daughter. I had stopped going to meetings, stopped doing step work and stopped connecting with the network of friends I had built of the 4 years. I used again for another 2 years only this time I had graduated to heroin. I was 30 years old when I started shooting heroin. I created a lot of destruction of those 2 years that I was using. As it always done, things came to a head. I got arrested with my 2 year old daughter in the car. I was out committing crimes with her to support my raging heroin habit. I put myself and my daughter in dangerous situations. Any right minded person would not do the things I was doing to support my habit. Then again, being addicted you are not in your right mind. I justified and rationalized all my behaviors. Anyways, I got clean again and stayed clean for 2 more years. Those 2 years were complete hell. Just as bad as if I were getting high. I suffered tremendously from PTSD and Rapid Cycle Bipolar Disorder. I was a lab rat in regards to medications. It took the 2 years of trial and error on meds to finally find the right combination. Things were going well for me. I was thinking clearly, I wasn't manic or depressed. I finally was able to obtain part time employment. I started paying of debt due to the wreckage of my past. I became a real mother to my daughter. Like I said, things were going well. Then, I started getting high again. I am yet to figure out why I started to use again. So far what I have come up with is self sabotage and self destruction. Maybe subconsciously I do not feel as though I deserve anything good in my life so therefore I destroy it when it starts to get good. Right now I am in the process of weening myself off heroin. I live with my mother and thank god for her. She is truly an angel. She tries to help me so much and tries so hard to understand my mental health and addiction. She is helping me ween and I am so grateful for it. Today is day 2 of the weening process. I cant promise anyone anthing. All I can do is try my best and start doing what has kept me clean in the past. I am going to start back at NA meetings and doing step work. I am going to rebuild that network I lost long ago. I don't know what process you will have to keep yourself clean, all I can tell you is my story and what has worked for me. NA meetings and step work. That is the only thing that has kept me clean. This is a process of self acceptance, self love and self respect. I believe I use due to some sort of self hatred. My process is to find my demons and conquer them. I have done it in the past and I know I can do it again with the support of my family and people I know and meet at meetings. I know I can not due this alone. I don't know if any of this has helped you, I hope something I said has. My advice to you is to give yourself a break. Believe in yourself. Be honest with yourself. Start treating yourself as you would treat your best friend. Go to meetings, get help. You don't have to do this alone. Addiction is a disease not a moral failing. You are not a bad person, you are not a defective person. You are a sick person that wants and is trying to get better. I believe in you. I hope you believe in you too. Thanks for listening...well reading LOL