you dont say whether you have ever sought help for your depression. i was in a black hole my entire life. it sucked. i semi sought care, tried a few meds but not very long. then life came crashing down totally and completely. i knew for certain i was going to be dead. i was hospitalized against my will. it was now or never. the pieces fell in place. the right therapist, the right antidepressant and that magic wand i dreamed of all those years finally hit me over the head and light shined down into that deep dark hole i was sitting in the bottom of and i was able to crawl my way out of it. my life has done a complete 180 since that time. so if you want things to be different, dont give up the fight. things can get better. just reach out for help.