so my most dominant alter is lucia who is 6. we are coconscious. i discovered her long ago before i even knew i was DID. in 1998 i was doing a guided meditation on finding the child within. and there she was. she was supposed to give me a gift. there she had in her hands this amazing ball of light, my light. she held it out to me but when i reached out to take it, she quickly snatched it away. she came back often when i did meditations, always making them go awry, always shoving me in harms way. i would do inner child work with her. she was very angry with me. she introduced me to faye who was 4. faye is very withdrawn. she explained how faye took all the abuse. she was angry with me because i went away and left them in that hell. i never did resolve anything back then. i have just always thought of lucia as a b1tch who hates me.

fast foward to today and lucia and i have formed a truce. she seems to know the most about what has happened to me. she is the "reason" i am agoraphobic. she thinks i have bad judgement and let bad people into our life who hurt us (two abusive relationships) so if we stay in the house and avoid people then there is no way we can get hurt. i have been alone for over eleven years. we just experienced a really bad ptsd reaction when triggered by a post here on pc. we cried and had flashbacks for a couple days. i handled it appropriately and we are better now but lucia is using it as another example of how i am unable to keep myself safe. i pointed out how i appropriately handled the situation so i was able to keep us safe.

i just journaled with her asking her to trust me that i know how to take care of us now. i told her she can just be a child, be carefree and not shoulder all this responsibility anymore. we have been "safe" for so many years. i could feel that this idea interested her, that she would like to let go of this burden, but she doesnt know how. her sole job all our life has been to keep us safe. i asked what i could do to help her feel safe and she doesnt have an answer. staying locked up at home is her only answer. t tries to create special rooms with art supplies and such, stuffed animals and this just makes us want to scream, we hate it. this kid stuff offers us no comfort. going to a breezy beach is no better because there is danger lurking behind every palm tree. the place we go in our imagination is to a black hole. t says this does not work, she cannot work with this but we do not remember why. but that is what works for us. nobody can get us there. no place else is safe. she just doesnt understand that. i dont know why she wont understand that!

so i am wondering what i can do to help lucia feel safe so she can let go and be the kid she never got to be. i think she would like this too. she is tired. any ideas?