I went to see my old T today. I took too many meds last night and overslept. I was freaking out because I just knew that he was going to abandon me again because I wasn't going to make our 2pm appt.

I called and they told me that his 4pm had cancelled - they talked to him and he agreed to see me then. So, I had to call my pdoc and cancel that appt. (which was at 4pm).

I was absolutely petrified..........then I saw him, and felt nothing. It was like this huge wall just came up and there was no feeling at all.

He had this stupid notepad and for the whole hour, we were discussing "guidelines" on what I expected from him and vice versa. Then he said he was going to type it up, email it to me, and if we could both agree on all areas, we'd sign it and start working together again.

He is forcing me to go to this DBT group, and if I don't, he won't see me again. I refused to participate, but I said "since I have no choice and you are forcing me, I'll go, but you can't make me talk in front of a bunch of strangers about my problems".

I only lost it once, which surprised me, because I was so filled with anger at him before I saw him. That was when he told me that he had stretched clinic policy by letting me return at all - normally once you miss a couple of times, you are banished permanently. But he said that since he knows me so well (and the board doesn't), that he would take some heat for it and let me come back.

I started crying and said "so you still care about me?" He said he had never stopped, but he had to work within the guidelines of where he works.

I called my pdoc yesterday and told him about my intense urges to cut.........how I wanted to see red everywhere. That I was scared. He did his best to calm me and offered to let the resident of duty that night to be aware that I might call. I never would.

I feel like I am in a box with no windows or doors. Only my T has the key and jerks the strings to make me move.

Three days of being sick and not eating really. Then I found out that my h has a warrant out for him, or pay a huge fine to stop it.............here I am, Ms. ATM machine trying to figure this out so that it doesn't happen.

And then ppl wonder why I SI.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard