On Wednesday, I had my usual hour long therapy session. I'm not comfortable getting into the details of the session as I'm concerned my BF(whom I live with) will somehow read this but it seems like he listened to the entire hour long session. He told me he sat down to read a book in the waiting room, overheard me saying something disturbing, and began to listen. I don't have the details of how exactly he listened and I was under the impression that the room was sound proof. I was wrong.

I had no idea why my BF was angry when I came out of the session but, after he asked what I talked about and I wasn't forthcoming enough, I assumed he was angry for that reason. I'm accustomed to him being angry with me and the night before, he had asked what I talked about when I discussed the relationship with friends, then asked to see transcripts of our conversations, etc. It was obvious that he was angry with me for not telling him what I told friends.

I was once a lot more open with him but, after living with him for years, I've grown weary of his potential reactions to anything I share with him. It's a very difficult way for me to live, always in fear of angering him. Within the last few months, I've come to realize that there are emotionally abusive elements in the relationship and I have some "mental health" concerns about my BF as well. Those were some of the things being discussed in the therapy session.

Wednesday was a night of hell for me. Finally, in the wee hours of the night, my BF "confronted me" by saying things he had overheard, and so on, with much anger. Everything began blurry for me. I couldn't move and I couldn't see. I don't remember a lot of what happened that night but.. the following day he asked me some questions online. I replied with the following(and more):
""what do you think about yesterday?"
I'm still processing it. For most of yesterday, before you told me you listened to my therapy session(I was told it was sound proof), I thought you were angry with me for not telling you what I said in my session. It was very sad, scary, stressful for me.. like you asking to know what I talk about with friends re: the relationship had been. That feeling of.. I can't fully open up or something could be misunderstood/upsetting and then (bf's name) will be mad/upset with me, but if I don't tell him.. he'll be upset with me. I often feel damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I sit on the couch and leave you alone I might hear that it's depressing, I might be seen as lazy, I might be seen a withdrawn, etc. But if I get up and do things.. mistakes could be made, I feel uncomfortable, I could bother you by speaking to you, etc. It might not seem like it to you, but I experience a great deal of fear of upsetting you, having you angry with me, because the consequences of that are very painful/scary for me.

What do I think? I wish you hadn't listened, especially given that it was one session, when I was feeling a certain way(I felt pretty awful/detached/hard to explain yesterday), within a certain context, etc. It was a private session and some things require deeper explanation if they're overheard. Am I upset with you for listening? No. That's not quite a normal human response on my part but.. I certainly understand taking an opportunity to "snoop," especially if you feel someone isn't being as forthcoming as you'd like with information. Was it "right" or helpful? No. Overall, I feel sad for you for anything you heard that was upsetting. That's my most powerful feeling on that matter. I also feel scared, guilty(I have a massive problem with guilt, always eating away at me), sad in general, and like I've lost an "outlet"/support source when I don't feel that I really have any. Now my therapist is viewed a certain way, our sessions are viewed a certain way, etc. It's hard to feel good about anything that I do. "

He replied to the above/the rest by stating that using the term "snoop" there was belittling, unfair, and that it "shows him where I'm at right now." He said I didn't show enough concern for his feelings, I'm delusional, he had a feeling I was saying "sinister" things about him.. and so on. The email ends with him telling me(who has no where to go) to be out of his house(I moved across the country 3 years ago to live with him) by the end of the month. He later retracted this.. I guess. Yeah. It's confusing.

He doesn't seem to be aware that some of his behavior towards me could be labeled "emotional abuse." He will show empathy when I discuss my past(I came from an abuse situation, and was in an abusive relationship in my 20s) but does not seem to see his own actions in such a light. I have wondered recently about his "mental health" and have come to realize/wonder if he might have something like Asperger's Syndrome as well.

Either way, I do not feel comfortable returning to my therapist but I feel the need to talk to..someone. I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends, neither of whom live here, anymore in this house. I've grown so accustomed to walking on eggshells, not expressing emotion, and so on that I don't even know how a "normal" person would react to this situation.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. I'm afraid that if I return to my therapist my BF will ask what I talked about, become angry is I'm vague, or otherwise show displeasure with me going back to him. Meanwhile, my BF keeps recalling things I said in the session(he heard A LOT). He's very distant today and is typing a lot on his computer. I have no idea what's coming next.

Thanks for reading.