My husband and I have been together nearly six years, and married for half.

It started out not entirely equal. I am a more affectionate person overall (holding hands when we went out, hello/goodbye kisses) and he is not into PDAs, finds holding hands impractical, is guarded about kissing, tenses up at any spontaneous physical contact. Okay, so that has been hard to adjust to, but I'm mostly there. I don't try to hold his hand anymore, and I rarely kiss him. He never kisses me, and I no longer wonder if it's because he doesn't love me. Clearly, he has issues displaying affection. He is generally very caring about me and my well-being.

But then there's also our sex life. It used to that he would kiss me in bed, that he would go down on me. Maybe because he was in the "making a good impression" phase of the relationship. But that's all over now, and it has been for a long time. I cannot remember the last time he initiated kissing me. And I've generally just stopped kissing him in bed because he freezes up.

He's not very sensual in general. He's practical. Like maybe he has mild Aspergers. In bed, he's not the one to take the lead, he's timid. He regularly says things like, "What are we doing?" or "What do you want me to do?" if I indicate a change in position (we only have about three anyway!). And if he wants a change in position, he asks. Not exactly the epitome of passion, of losing one's self in the other. But okay, I've largely accepted that too. We love each other and sex makes us feel close and connected, and he is very mindful of not finishing before me and having whatever stamina I want, so there are enough good things.

I've talked/argued/cried to him about these things off and on, and to no avail: He does not think he needs to change a bit. Sometimes he'll say he'll work on it, but he rarely even does that for a single day.

Of course, he's very happy he gets off so much, and thinks that I am sweet and generous and talented in this regard.

But here's what I cannot get past: He never--well, rarely--goes down on me. We have sex generally once a day (we both work from home). He is able to climax more than I am, so okay I get that. I stroke him or suck on him at least several times a week, and often everyday, if not more. I love doing these things, and I don't want to stop. I did stop for nearly a year awhile ago, because I was fed up with the inequality, but that approach did nothing.

The only times he ever really goes down on me and when I ask/tell him to, or when he feels he absolutely must. So maybe about once every three or four months. And how often with enthusiasm? Never. And with desire? Never.

It makes me angry. Hurt, then angry.

I end up using lubricant 99% of the time. He only touches me with his fingers maybe once a month, and then only very slightly. He does caress my body, just not my private area.

I don't know why, and I've asked, I've cried, I've demanded, but he doesn't say.

Here is what I do know:
- It is not a physical issue. Not with me or him.
- There have been no major changes that would explain this.

I think I should demand more, but it upsets me that I have to say "do this" and that he doesn't do it on his own or seem to want to. He'll say he loves going down on me, but there's no evidence of that of course.

Some of the men from my previous relationships were very generous to me in this regard.

I just don't get it. I'm still young, I'm pretty, I'm not in great shape, but I have a nice figure and I'm not overweight. I'm over a decade younger than him. He's a bit overweight and is out of shape. I wash everyday. I don't have any diseases or issues. I trim myself the way he likes.

His previous relationship lasted about fifteen years, and he said that she ultimately just "got comfortable" and rarely had sex with him (once it was a whole year, and no there was no physical issue like pregnancy, surgery, travel, etc.) and wouldn't even go down on him on his birthday (like me, now!). He didn't like this, obviously. And their relationship didn't start out like that. (By the way, his ex has a lot of psychological issues and is a very abrasive person, even to those who don't know her.)

So my only thought is that this has to do with his own issues about physical contact. Pretty selfish though that he gets over his issues when it comes to his pleasure, but not mine.

And maybe that he feels insecure about his ability to go down on me, as I know he thinks he can't compare to my performance on him.

It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, even though I know there's not. And that I am less deserving than he is, that he's superior to me. I resent this.