It's really kind of silly. I am lonely. But I want to be left alone.

I don't like coming into the office. I don't like making small talk. I don't like lying that my holidays were great. I don't like making a complete fool out of myself in front of my co-workers. I want to be away from the eyes of judgmental folk. Judge me for my product, not for the state in which my brain is in!

I want to be left alone. But I know I am never going to get far in a business industry without properly networking with people. I don't like making eye contact. I wish I could do my work without meeting people face to face. Work behind a computer screen. Because that's where I can lie about my happiness and normalness the best.

I don't like being at home. I don't like hearing my parents argue about stupid crap for the umpteenth time. I don't like it when I say A, and my parents keep telling me B, B, B, B, B, until I oblige and say B. I don't like avoiding them. I wish they would leave me alone.

But then when I am left alone, I am reminded I really will have nobody.

I want to be left alone. I say this to my sister who has been trying for the past two months to involve me in things that will make me happier. Offering to be my replacement counselor. Emailing me encouragement. Texting me useful tips she heard on the news. We almost never fight. But we somehow did this time. She's been trying so hard. And all I give her is no response.

She understood my stone-walledness as "So you don't care about your family anymore?"

What?

I want to be left alone. I want nobody to care about me because it only adds to the amount of things that I need to be grateful for. And it reminds me of all the things I haven't been grateful for. Maybe I really don't love anyone anymore. I don't feel anything.

I want to be left alone.

I don't like lying on my bed all day. But yet that's all I feel like doing. I don't even know where to go if I did leave the house. Drive to no destination?

What if my parents do end up dying? ****. I think I would cry. I would not have thanked them properly for everything they've done for me. What is so hard about telling the people I think I love that I love them? What if I don't love them? What if I only need them? Does that make me selfish?

Yea, I'm selfish.

I want to be left alone. Isn't that a selfish thing to want?

Yes, because it shirks all of my responsibilities in life. There is nowhere I want to go. Not work. Not home. Not death. Not life. What do you call this? Is there an emotion for this? Non-emotion?