I don't know what's going on now, I felt sick emotionally not really sad, but sick. I guess feeling exhausted from my 21st bday I had a my first ever hangover since I was 16 on psych drugs which I found them all. It's crazy all the pills I was on a huge giant bag of em.

But anyways, I really like this girl, but we aren't dating we are both in the same boat together working on ourselves we like each other and are very good fast friends. We've been friends for awhile, but I mean by fast, in a month ago almost we opened up and were shocked how well we naturally got a long well. I really like how kind and a good person she is I wouldn't let her go for that, but in honesty.

In my heart, I just don't care, I'm too exhausted and I'm happy we are just close friends going at a steady pace, but all I really need and want now is money. I'm tired of starving and living without a lot of luxuries a lot of people take for granted, but I'm not completely hopeless in that. I have the things I have and I'm happy for them, but it's really hard some days when a lot of people are not in your position of being house poor and you can't help your financial situation, because I can't move out since my parents got financially screwed over and doing their hardest to climb their way out. It's prevented me to get a car or get a job faster, now I'm finally able to get a car and I have a steady income. I'm just sad, that I couldn't have the social life nor any freedom like my younger sister in college who has all her support and friends. She disowned everyone in our family. I don't call her family, she treats me like dirt.

I got so emotionally exhausted, because all I care about is working so hard and shutting people out to make enough money for me to move out. I really don't care to be here anymore, I just feel sad, I feel like things would work out for me eventually, but I find this whole thing too much. Many days, but recently food banks have donated to us thankfully, we didn't have food again for 3 weeks prior and just eating eggs, bread, and my free meals from working at mcdonalds for food. Other than that, I always starved myself and just eat what I need not what I want. I lost tons of weight and closing in to my underweight status what I used to be as a young child and adolescent.

I find love or the idea of it completely exhausting. I find friendships too much for me. I don't find them much helpful for me. I'd loathe being in a committed relationship, from being constantly screwed over, or being forced to pay for their problems out of my pocket. I don't need this. Like this girl is the nicest girl I've spoken to in ever for me at least, but realistically I finally saw the big picture in my life, and I'm putting off relationships probably till I'm old. I want to be a millionaire and have a huge steady income then I'll find someone then. I want to find more outlets to enjoy life most of them costing me little to nothing then like I do now, and once in a year go on a vacation.

I am working very hard now and all I want to do is just run away from where I'm at when I make lots of money and I'm never coming back.

I'm just had a lot of insights how depressing my situation in life is, and I'm very close to one day wanting to commit suicide from my lack of connection. The only reason I gave this girl a chance, is because she is in the same boat and constantly goes out her way to be super nice to me because she wants to. I just feel sad, if I have to let this go too eventually.

I feel exhausted and rather just stop and not even look at anyone. I just want to pretend people don't exist and just be so impersonal on the inside while being appearing genuine and going out my way on the outside. I do that already and just shut down altogether. I only care about never being in this poverty position ever again, and just leaving this town and probably be a hermit stuck in my own head. I can just go crazy in my own privacy.

I'm not feeling well now, but I'll be ok. I wish my dreams came true from my work towards it. It feels like no matter how hard I work at it, it seems to be farther and farther. At some point if it doesn't happen, I'll settle for the next best thing and end my life, because now I've already have experienced enough and figured what I am to expect anymore from the unexpected. That to invest anything will only bring sadness, and that sometimes to really save me all I really need and wanted to do is help people who are in need, but if that doesn't help as much I'd rather go silently, because I really don't want to love anyone. I really don't want to see my parents die nor my dog, nor anyone I knew or cared for. I'd rather die before that happens in all honesty. I know they wouldn't take it well and it seems selfish, but it's really how I've been feeling for all my life. I'd rather feel like they are happy I'm safe in their minds, where ever I'm at, I just don't want to be here.

This girl struggles with some hard stuff too, but it's like I wish I had their problems not mine. I could handle it better than they could and appreciate things more what my friends worry about that seem so miniscule. I'm so tired of people being so aggressive and mean when I'm like this and comparing me to "hitler" "ray rice" or something outrageous I'm not even joking on that.

Love is so hard, because I want to be as beautiful and perfect as they are and be a woman. I hate being a guy, I rather be adored for my looks as a woman than as a guy. I look in the mirror no matter what girls say nice things to me, and I feel I took a knife to the gut. It's because I have to be something I'm not, I guess people take that the wrong way and the thing about the transgender named leelah was in my city. I understand her position and why she died at 17 from suicide, because I experience it too. Except, I'm not transitioning at all, I hate how I look, and if I try to make it look feminine or be a woman or what I am comfortable with. It will make matters so much worse for me, no girl will talk to me, and no one will take me seriously and I will be beaten up and jumped on to be attacked just because of how I look.

I am sorta in the closet, if the surgery was so good. I could look flawlessly beautiful with my body and face. I'd do it in a heartbeat, but with my face. Like everyone tells me and it hurts me so much, "I'd look ugly as a girl." exactly how they say it so casually like a quick stab or joke sometimes. I go along with it and not get angry, but it hurts later when the reality kicks in. My mother isn't as supportive as I hoped she would be, she'd probably disown me but love me as her son regardless if I was a beautiful girl.

This girl is nice she did appreciate and loved me as a person for this, but I'm so exhausted and scared she'll leave too. I'm just about to call it quits altogether and spend more time pushing anyone interested away and die in my own island not miserable, but content in my misery like I'm currently doing, because I don't want this I don't need this and I don't want to be here to live this existence if this is what my life is only made up of. I'm only staying alive longer working more to see if it changes, if not, them I'm done. No one will make that decision for me, I'm never going to let my life be in some else's hands, I have a baby girl who I love so much to see (she'd be two years old now) I'm so proud she existed in my life. my apparently my twin sister who we were supposed to be twin girls and my grandma who I miss the most since I saw her die in a horrific way at 12 awaiting for me when I die and family that miss me.

I'm just so overwhelmed, by just being alive. I wish someone wasn't here to save me. I don't need saving, I just want to be alone, but have been going out my way to be assertive and being kind and outgoing. At this point, I feel like it's not going to work, because of probably something stupid like always, I'll have to respect it and just let it all go and forget about any of it.
I hate how my friends brag so much stuff of all the girls they are with and around date and have sex with. I'm like always alone, I can't even connect with anyone. Let alone I try to with my dog just to cuddle, because I don't have anyone else. I figure when my mom and dog die that's when I'm going. Their be two funerals not one when my mom passes away. I just want a friends someone to be here, and when they said that person will come to you unexpectedly, is a liar. I don't believe in that crap, and despite not working so hard on finding on anything. I've gotten to the point, I just want to stop and just not care about giving anyone a chance nor even investing any of my emotional happiness and things I like with them, because they aren't their for me. It has always been like that, I don't have patience anymore, my therapist is worried about me and I do need not just therapy but specialized help for my specific issues.

I struggle with psychosis, and waking up and living every second how to get out of my bed or feeling like I'm drowning in water but I'm sitting down in a chair fine. I struggled with that from birth as a child. I struggled with loneliness all my life, and my kindness is never answered back. I was hated and ridiculed for my rape and a whole town made my life hell. I wanted to commit suicide at 8 years old when I had my first near death experience and my "friends" beat me up and abusing me.

What really got me was everyone thought I was being a whiny "b...." for "complaining" that I got bullied a lot like everyone else. I figured it would get better, but has gotten so much worse. Many days I'm scared to dating anyone, because my life now and then was hell and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else no matter how much I hate them at a short time.

I can't cry or make a sound that I am in my house, because I can't let my parents hear me, not that I'm afraid they'll do something. I just can't explain it to them and feel validated.

My whole life, I've had from imaginary friends, to friends who weren't friends, to people who just abuse me off and on.

It's like no matter how hard I have it, I'm always told to shut it out and be a grown up about it. Being so pushed past my limits, that I just want to die, to get away from these crazy people. That talking and making any conversation is easy and fun at times, but rather takes so much out of me.

I don't crack easy, but when I do, instead of trying to comfort me. I'm being threatened to be thrown in jail for just feeling angry or sad when it comes to my parents.

My ex's completely took advantage of my kindness made it a weakness and completely used me for as much convenient sex and whatever they wanted. My feelings didn't feel validated and I was so blinded and not understanding growing up. I learned how to do it right now thankfully, but I hate doing it. Like I am afraid if I tell this awesome person I can't date them or whatever and they have to have it like that at some point and can't wait for me. I'm just going to shut them out and completely destroy the bridge and not say anything hurtful just leave bail if it's gotten to that point where I am not going to feel safe with me being myself or my emotions. If I'm too boring or not enough for them is what I am scared the most, I feel like around girls, all I want to do is put a blade to my face or stomach and cut parts out I don't like and just stitch it up. Other days, I just want to hide my face under my sunglasses and look like I'm a douchebag be happy all the time even if I hate doing it. I don't care how long this post will be, it's my experience. I've gotten to the point.

I wish I wasn't born, I wish people wanted me here and show for it. Instead of saying it in their words, and just trying to make me feel better in the moment. I want to die, because I'm not convinced. I'd rather be dead than hear sympathy anymore and fake empathy. I feel under appreciated and pretty much so many young girls don't see that. So many people don't see that the ones that do are so superficial I can't stand it. I have very few friends I'm happy they are here, I know they'd be sad, and I just with people understood instead of being angry with me or trying to keep me going on just for them.

If I don't want to live it should be how I feel not them. If I want to be me, it should be me not them. If I want to do nice things for them it should be from me not them. I'm tired of it being the other way around and everyone is such a brat. I wish people took what's in my head seriously. See how smart I actually am, how motivated and capable I can do things better or help other people than most people can. I don't want it to go to waste, so that's all that's keeping me alive now and my music.

Love and relationships has seemed like almost an impossible climb or feet to me, I don't find the idea that someone who is fit for me eventually that comforting. Whoever they'd be I wouldn't like them probably later, because they wouldn't accept me, but maybe that's my problem. I'm surrounded by people like that, I don't settle for anyone anymore, I don't know.

I don't want a marriage, I don't want kids, I just want their time with me in whatever it is. In all honesty, I'd be there for them not for any other reason.

I would love relationships if I was a woman, you don't know how badly I wish I had that. I wanted to have a relationship with a woman as a woman. I would love to be a same sex couple and be in a marriage as a same sex couple. I'm so fed up how this society is on that, and how hard it is for me in my situation already. I figured, midas well end it, I can't afford nor be able to get what I want so I gave myself a timeline if I don't achieve it then. I'm done. I made that my suicide plan not, because I'm depressed. It feels like, this uphill battle isn't paying off. I will see what comes of it. If it does come through I'll be so happy and grateful, and just say thank you and just live with it with all the content that floods into me immediately.

All I wanted in life was to achieve something, but now I'm feeling my achievements will be unheard and unnoticed and so I'd rather die and not hear the rest of my story of whatever it could be living it out than just simply be dead and that be it.