I get where you are coming from. For myself, its as if when things go wrong, and I feel myself getting down about things, I have a compulsion, instead of trying to make things better, to almost wish that they would get worse. 'Come on life. I know its just a pile of crap. Let's be having it'. As if any other way of being in the world is just totally phoney, and to pretend otherwise is just self deception.

And of course, when you have been depressed for a long time, there is an element of security in this. What is the point in trying? You just end up back here, anyway.

Like you say, 'I'm not supposed to be in good moods, and force myself back into depression'.

I hope you get your medication sorted out, but it is important to really believe that you are as entitled as anyone else to be happy. It took me a long time to understand this and make it a reality. It was as if I was in a prison, but not really wanting or believing there was anything outside. For me, overcoming depression was largely about having the courage to 'do a runner' when the opportunity presented itself.

To the uninitiated it may seem nonsensical to talk about having the courage to escape depressive ways of thinking, but this was half the battle. The other half was getting whatever it took to point me in the right direction. For me, ultimately, this was by doing yoga, and other self help techniques as for various reasons medication and therapy had little success. Whatever, learning to give myself permission to be happy was a crucual step. Good luck.