Well now I'm hungry, haven't got pizza but do have cheese and bread. Health issues on my mind, otherwise have made progress with counselor on the phone. She was ready to admit me last week. Guess I just wasn't coherent enough, some bpd stuff coming out, but I don't like labels. I don't know if it is that, or life, that makes me the way I am.

Tired, yet want to do things. Part of me is still very depressed. Just want to shut everything out but my mind won't stop and let me.

Could keep repeating my life story, but what good does it do? Letting out our steam here does help, I guess that is what I'm doing. I just have to motivate myself to get a few things done. Realized it wouldn't take me long, it is just vacuuming and mopping that I can't do, it is too hard and then I'd be laying in my bed aching and not able to do much at all. It is too icy on the sidewalks. Got chewed out by my brother this morning, that I'm lazy and don't work. I fell and have joint problems, and maybe much worse.
He doesn't know anything about what I've done in life. I've done things he would never be able to do. I'm just so angry right now at my family. They don't know how much I worry about my dad. Any wrong doings are in the past, and he worries me. He never says anything directly, except for once a few years ago. He was as bad as he is now, or worse, and said he might be dying. He isn't stupid, or whiny, or complaining, he worked so hard his whole life. I don't want to lose him, but I'm not tough. I need to be, so I don't show my concern on the phone anymore. But I am, he has horses that I know I could look after if I just had a car to get there. Sometimes I hate myself for having not been financially better off, when my brother and sister both are doing extremely well. It's not for the material security or having things, its so that I could have something to give back. I do give, in my own way, I'm just so frustrated right now I could scream, except my walls are paper thin!