I'm sure there are countless threads about this but I kind of wanted to tailor it to my recent experiences and life.

I've only smoked pot a couple times in my life. The first time I was 18 and then a couple of times in college. I wasn't a fan of how it made me feel. I was definitely one of the paranoid types, so I never sought it out because there seemed nothing I felt that outweighed the other aspects. (Although, in retrospect, perhaps the paranoia was enhanced by the drug since I was already afraid of being caught or drug tested.)

Last weekend I was offered a bong hit by my cousin at his party. What the hell, I thought. My counsin, his gf, and I finished it all. I remember being cautious since it's been years and I was definitely worried about my reaction. After a quick period of anxiety about wondering what would happen to me, it was gone. The interesting part is, I felt "normal." A couple hours later, my cousin got so incredibly tired he could barely keep his head up. His gf became quite *****y toward us (verbally) and continually complained about how bright the lights were. I sat there thinking maybe I had done something wrong LOL! The most I felt of anything was the common intense dry mouth and "strange" feeling of the teeth. I felt normal. Normal in the sense of better than how I was beforehand, but not euphoric.

Of course there's no way of knowing the strain or chemical amounts or anything in terms of pharmaceutical science (although I'm definitely interested). For people (him and his gf) who smoke regularly, I'm confused how I wasn't affected in the same sense. It's definitely got me thinking about the benefits of it for "treatment." A couple of times in the past, I would feel acute depression for a couple days following smoking (another reason I never liked it) but so far I haven't felt anything of the sort.

I currently take 300mg Lamictal and 30mg Buspar (although I rarely take the full 30 and it's more like 20 or even 10 - I just kind of play around with it since when I'm on the full 30 for a couple weeks it starts to make me intesnely hot and nauseous for about an hour after taking it and that's not worth it). Earlier this month, I discontined my 20mg Vyvanse that I was on for almost a year. I moved so my insurance changed and I can't afford the $250 it is otherwise. It helped pull me out of a depression when I originally started it and of course the benefits for my ADHD were worth staying on it. Despite feeling lethargic, I haven't noticed any terrible things not being on it. Coffee has helped pull me through that aspect.

My fear, which I will admit has been perpetuated over time by media, is how marijuana might affect me in the long run in terms of already having a mental illness. I have distant cousins and also a great uncle who have forms of schizophrenia in which they are functional, quite creative, but feature psychosis that makes them quite aggressive and angry. My greatest fear over my lifetime has been "acquiring" this. Bipolar, panic and anxiety disorders, and suicide run in both sides of my family. I clearly didn't miss the boat.

Although this was only one good experience I had with pot and can't base my entire future off this one, I'm definitely interested in trying it again to see what happens. Granted, I have no idea how it would affect my life in terms of having to get things done around the house or whatever. But I think it's worth a try. On the other hand, I don't want to push the envelope and end up in a depressive episode or who knows what else.

Thoughts?