Lately talking to my sister and sometimes my mom, or things she puts on the internet like a cure for lupus, it makes me upset and gives me more stress which makes me have even more pain in my body. I didn't know how to tell them this so I wrote a letter and am going to read it to them over the phone (they live in different states so it can't be in person) tonight. Here is what I have written:

Dear Mom/Sister,

I know you are trying to help me. And I thank you for that. Thank you for caring about me and loving me. I love you, too. Sometimes when you say things about how I should eat or what I should do about my problems, I feel like if I don’t do what you suggest, then it is my fault that I am sick. It is not my fault I have lupus or mental illnesses or Tourette’s syndrome. Whether it is intentional or not, that is how your words make me feel. Eating healthy is good. I should eat better. But telling me that eating better is going to cure me is only making me worse off. After I hear those words, I get very stressed out, and I get more pain in my body from the stress. I have a problem with comparing myself to you/Sharon. I have felt my whole life like I am being compared to you/her, because of things Dad said to me, such as that she is the good child and I was the mean child. It is not fair for him to compare me like that. It has really harmed my self worth and self esteem.

Whenever I hear that you/Sharon has had success in something, it hurts me because I feel like I don’t have success in my life. While I know this isn’t true, it is hard for me to get rid of the emotions I have. I do have a lot of success in my life, such as a successful marriage, and good grades in school. It is basically Dad’s abusive words that created that sense of insecurity in me, whether you believe that or not. So I am not blaming you for making me feel that way. I am, however, asking if you would be more sensitive to how you phrase things to me. For instance, when you/Sharon said that you never went below 8,000 steps on the fitbit and how it was crazy that I only did 3,000 steps. It could have been better to just tell me I’m doing a good job and not be so surprised that I’m not as fit as you are yet. It hurt me when I heard you say that because I feel like you are comparing yourself to me. Also, another instance was when you/Sharon compared me again when reacting as if it was crazy that I was going to be taking less than 12 credit hours in school when she took 18 credit hours. I may not be in the same situation as you and am not capable of what you were when you were in college, due to my own circumstances. So it is not fair to compare me like that. Just little things like that can be avoided.

It really stresses me out when I get compared to other people who aren’t in my situation. In turn, it makes me have more physical pain in my body, pain that I am trying to avoid or minimize by having less stress in my life. That is why I am telling this to you. I don’t need the stress in my life that comes with talking to you about these things anymore. If you would like more information about my lupus and mental illnesses, you can ask me about them. After all, I am the one with them. I don’t need you to tell me information about it that may or may not be correct. I need to get my information from a doctor, who I will be seeing February 18th. I can bring up things like gluten intolerance or what to eat or not eat to have fewer flare-ups. But that is my own information to gather from the doctors who are treating me. You can’t just believe everything you read on the internet. A lot of it is based on data that was not gathered correctly and assumptions that can be proven to be wrong. I feel like I shouldn’t have to prove to you that you are wrong about things, so I won’t get into that. Thank you for the concern, but I never asked for advice. Lupus has no cure. Tourette’s has no cure. My mental illnesses are being treated by professionals and are under control. My lupus will be treated by professionals, and I intend on doing what the doctors tell me to do.

So what I am asking you to do is this. Please don’t talk to me about your special diets. Please do not call me while you are grocery shopping or preparing food. Sharon, I feel like what you really want to do is just talk about yourself to me, with little regard for how I am actually doing, and the problems I am facing. I made this assumption because when we talk, you do most of the talking, and it as about your diet which I do not care about. I’m happy for you because you’re happy, but honestly I could not care less about the food you are eating. If you want to talk to someone about your food, please just talk to Mom or Dad, or someone else. If you want to genuinely know how I’m doing, feel free to call me anytime. But please do not mention your diet. I am trying to avoid having any more physical pain than I already have in my body, by reducing stressors in my life. Also, if you really do want to help, please just listen to me. Let me talk about how much it hurts, or what I’m doing to feel better, or what it is like to have these things. Listen to how I have good days and how I have bad days. Don’t compare, just accept. Believe me when I say I am in pain. People with chronic pain tend to downplay their pain a lot so they don’t bother other people. I feel like I do that, too.

Please accept what I have said, instead of getting defensive. Please realize you might not understand everything I’m going through, and that’s okay, but please do not make things worse. Unfortunately, if you do continue to say these things that cause me to have more stress and more pain in my body, I will have to do what I can to limit our phone calls and other interactions. Thanks for listening to me.