I am so sorry for all that loss. Huge blows. It sounds to me that you are stuck in the middle of grief. You were stuck before your mom died. Smoking pot was a way of stuffing it. Even though it was no ones fault you have to feel abandoned by your dad, hurt, pissed at the disease, all kinds of things. And then your mom. Being the macho guys we are it is not easy to access those buried feelings. That is what has to happen though. Go through the natural, healthy, grieving process. Find a grief therapist. What has always helped me the most to access buried stuff in me is to write about it. Don't think, just write and write and write. I would only consider meds if you were totally dysfunctional. If you took them you would not at all have to stay on them. Sounds like you have no history of depression. You will never get over your parents but you can get to a place of acceptance and move on and be happy. Your Dad wants you to be successful and happy. You just gotta get unstuck.

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