I clicked on the TRIGGER ICON but it does not show .. So this may be a TRIGGER to some.. I do not know.....

I just do not understand how something in my childhood could affect my whole life. How can something you do not have detailed recall of cause such chaos in ones life? When I try to remember, even I, the one being hurt has no face, and the one messing with me has no face. How then do I know it was me or the neighbor? I know I was in the basement/cellar in the house next to mine. I was wearing a dress. I went home without my panties. I earned a paper lunch bag of assorted penny candy. I have no idea what happened. I was in the woods/field with tall grass. The neighbor was there. He peed in front of me, I can feel sprinkles of his pee hitting my leg and my leg is wet. I have a sick feeling inside that he made me do oral sex on him. But I do not know for sure. The counselor said oral sex was not done in the 50s, so I do not know if it happened or not. I see in my mind;s eye, my brother standing with his back turned while his friends had fun with me. But again I am not sure......OK, this is all I can remember. The counselor I was seeing said the neighbor prob only masterbated over me. shrugs shoulders...

Since my memories are not detailed and I do not even feel connected to what I do remember, I do not understand how my childhood has affected me adult life..

Grant it, I have made a mess of my life. Therapy only highlighted negatives and so I have accepted the negatives and lost the positives.

I honestly believe my (choices) in life has made me what I am today. I am the result of my choices in life and not the result of childhood. How in the world can a childhood I do not (feel) be responsible for my messed up life today? Does not make sense to me..

I think I am still angry that while in counseling, this childhood stuff was the main focus. I do not understand why (current) problems were not dealt with in counseling..I do not know why an educated person with diplomas all over his wall, stating to be an expert, did not see that childhood was not my problem. Childhood did not cause me to crash. It was an abusive, unhappy middle eastern marriage that crushed my spirit. Not childhood.. This is how I feel. This is what I understand. Am I missing the (big picture) somehow.. more or less, i am prob missing a few screws in the head. ha but then if i even had one screw in my head, i do believe i would be screwed...