While I can <u>logically</u> see and <u>freely admit</u> that there might be a part of me worth saving, I can see two reasons why I can't be "saved" or "helped", based on my pattern over the past 17+ years:

1. my defensive system is so complicated and elaborate that I myself cannot get through it to get deep enough inside myself to reach the "me" that might be worth saving.

2. my act of pushing everything and everyone away always emerges - it is like a reflex, an involuntary response, as involuntary as a heart beat - so <u>all</u> will be pushed away.

so...there is no hope...

all the "logical truths" lay out there in front of me, right in view, but all my emotional defenses keep me locked in a glass prison. i can see them but they are out of reach.