Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenentity
I hope this is just a phase for me because I've never really dealt with self hatred before. It's been like 2 weeks now, I haven't taken a step outside my house because I don't need to. A friend of mine is upset with me for not answering his calls. I have nothing against him or any of my friends, I just don't want to.... be myself.. I'd rather be anyone else or something. I don't feel I'm worth the effort to fix myself, like I shouldn't care about myself.
I'm so sensitive right now that I don't think I can even deal with light hearted ribbing, because it reminds me too much of the days I put behind me. When I was bullied, manipulated, turned into an object of ridicule. An old friend reached out to me on the phone, I hadn't heard from him in years... we were friends, but all I can remember from my past with him is that he often doubted me and tried to put me down. I have been trying really hard to avoid negativity of any kind, I think there's a better way to do that than to ignore people.
I don't even like how i look anymore, I hate people going 'you look so different now', or that I'm thin or that my hair is thinner than the last they saw me, it REALLY puts a damper on things and gets me down. I don't want to feel down, I'm sick and tired of it. I've had enough of judgmental people that won't let me move on, only inspire bad memories from the past and won't leave me alone. I feel like a horrible person now.
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It sounds like you are really struggling right now, and I am sorry you are feeling this way . Remember to try and practice self- compassion. Be kind to yourself. Try to be your own best friend, and practice self accceptance. I think many people struggle with similar feelings of self hatred at times, I know I have. But remember that you are a worthwhile person, no matter what!