I feel disconnected from this post from what I'm saying and what you take and read or what I put down on here at the time. At this point, I go in and out of feeling wanting connection that I don't need or want in the first place, I hate my loneliness, but rather not work at some job anywhere for things I don't care for. More or less my life shouldn't be playing video games, I can use my own imagination and just isolate myself from everyone. I would do everything to get me off the grid of everything and hermit myself being homeless and far away as possible from civilization and people altogether. I just want to be in a place where I can go crazy in my own head and no one bother me. It's just too hard to make anything happen with anyone. I'm not going to lie none of my relationships are healthy to me at least, I honestly don't know. I am probably incapable of them to understand what any of it is subconsciously even though I could say I know.

Maybe everyone is right, I've should of died a long time ago and did everyone a favor.

I wish I could of ran away and no one would of found me as a child. I don't care on pain anymore, sometimes when it gets to a point. I'll be so desperate to kill myself by anything no matter how excrutiating it can be when I feel comfortable to do so. I know it will probably be when if my mom dies in an accident or something or when in 10 years. when I'm almost thirty, and I feel like I don't want to be old.