The whole thing wanting to reach out and just wanting to bother being close or even talking to anyone for anything is too much. I guess I do it on here and pretend I'm talking to myself that's talking back to me, not someone is actually on the other side of another spot. It's just how it feels not that it's what I believe, deep down. I just don't want to connect and rather prepare myself for death now and just get ready to work hard on living what I have for what I have now. Then die, pretty much I don't want to be here anymore and I'd never want to be in some existence with humans or anything related to humanity ever again.

I never ever want to come back here. I don't believe in much, because I lack the faith anything will be done, except monotonous crap and nothing that feels like I'm achieving anything. Rather, all my life I've been preparing for death and rather feel it's better sooner than later and more suffering I don't need.

Really relationships wasted my time and always other people were the reason my life went to hell, my decisions trying to fight my way out of this is too much. People don't know or see anything I see, they try to only think it's perceptions based on their own issues that are completely different from mine. I don't blame them, but it feels hopeless at this point. I'd rather find a way to run away from this whole existence and find a way to never come back to a civilization or what I remember on anything. I just want to be completely far far far away. I had enough, and I just want to shut the world out. People can make the argument I just want a pity party alone to some degree yes that's true, but they don't see that I don't like them. No matter how close, no matter how many times my mother says she loves me, I'm not convinced anymore, I've been hurt beyond to a point. I don't want to be anywhere, I just want something to feel connected and the lack of feeling any bond altogether has just put me in a tight situation. I'm afraid I'll break out in public or with friends and die right in front of them or alone and they don't find my body. Either or, I'd rather my death be quiet and unnoticed, just like the world who only cares about self destruction and people who only want to use and destroy and fake love and don't understand what love, compassion or any of that means. Religious people don't, my family can't, I'm probably blinded by my experience in just having horrible things happen to me. I really can't get out of this hole no matter what I can do, I do need my therapist, but I have to pay 301 dollars now that insurance lied about they paid for it, I feel this whole thing about all of this. Is such a waste of time, I'd be dead a lot faster than they can get me help. Honestly. I really don't have time or the patience anymore to put up with people online, here, in person, anywhere.

I don't feel respected and rather feel that my psychosis is bad. I've gone to a place where I can't get out, and I'm forever trapped in this hellhole. It feels like basic things people do to enjoy life and be and feel alive scares me to death, everyone scares me, I feel them always watching trying to plot their next move to harm me, trying to force me in a mental hospital a way they can control me. So I'm "safe" when they are encouraging me to die a way I don't want to go.

I'm truly a disturbed person, I really have no place here and rather despite what others say. It's my body and my life, I don't want to hear about this selfish stuff or being told to feel guilty anymore. My parents make me guilty all the time over everything my friends make me guilty, everyone works so hard to make me feel so guilty. Everyone tells me how stupid, or incapable I am, no matter how hard I try not to believe anyone. I can't help it, but feel I'm the true minority. Playing somewhat of a victim, and just wanting to get out and avoid people is the only way for me to heal, but I have no salvation. I only have hell. Like why is this morality thing even worrisome. It's like I find it completely absurd, I don't want anyone to pay for my funeral, just let me rot in a field or burn my body and no one will know. Like I've known all my childhood I'd die young, I don't know how young.

It's either the freak accidents that I constantly have dreams and night terrors about of being murdered or falling off a bridge in a car accident drowning. I am either aware that people will miss me, it's not that I don't miss them. I just need to dissociate everything, because it's too much. Even saying a simple I love you and a smile takes a lot. I am not at piece, I'm always at war with my reality that is completely broken since day one. Scarred from my insight destroyed and lack of judgement, I can't plan for anything, but rather I feel when it happens. I'll be dead and that be it.

I'm just feeling so numb, not once I'll see my healing. I'm dying, despite what happens good and bad in my life people see on the outside my deep dark secret. I'm going to die in front of them, I'm going to die away from them, I'm going to die somehow someway. Either I wait for it to happen, put myself in the scenario for it to happen on accident or suicide. I am afraid to be near people, because I don't want to hurt them. I thought I was protecting them, but they were my perpetrators to begin with. In the end, all I care about is shutting everyone out in my darkest parts of my mind and just figure out where to go with my life from here.