Stay strong mate. Everything seems worse at this time of year. Well it does to me anyway. I've got the january 'black dog' again and i hear what you're saying. When i have similar thoughts i think of the lady i've just met who seems to care about me. Not fair on her, she's already had somebody in her family kill himself cos he couldn't cope with being gay. So think positive. Things will get better. I know i will get out of this and life will be worth living again. Jeez mate we don't live forever anyway. Treasure the good times and tough out the bad. That's what i do.