I know if I tell them everything they'll admit me to the psych ward again, but I have no money spare after Christmas and I can't afford to miss any time of work because I pay half the bills and then what will happen we'll lose our house.

My boyfriend is already freaking out about me, so I can't do this to him, he can't afford the bills on his own. He's told me that if I try and "do anything stupid" again that he'll leave me because he can't deal with it knowing that I would do that to him.

I know in my head that I don't want to die, but I get over emotional and impulsive and I make stupid decisions. I've been saying I think there's something more wrong with me not just depression but I just don't know what. I'm having panic attacks and freak outs, then I'll feel empty and numb a couple of hours later where I can't physically do anything, then a couple of hours later i'll be all anxious and jittery and literally have that "feel like I'm going crazy" feeling. I don't know what to do!

I'm so stupid that every time i'm in treatment I think "I'm fine" and "I know what I'm doing" so I stop taking my meds and stop going to appointments and I always come straight back to this again. Why do I do it i'm just so stupid. I mean I know how stupid that is yet I still do it!

Life was going perfectly before, we got our house in November, my boyfriend had a new job we were planning a family and our futures together, and now I've gone and ruined it all. I always ruin it everything.