This post is really just to vent. I don't have anyone to talk to who wouldn't ridicule me.

I am at the point of depression where I'm just barely functioning, and have been for a long time. I have a decent job (for my education) but it's full time and often very stressful, and I'm not sure how much more I can handle it. The only reason I've been able to keep this job is because I have the option of working from home. That's not quite as nice as it sounds, though. I work for a 24-hr phone hotline, so my schedule is very regimented, my breaks are regulated, and my productivity is monitored. I am supposed to be working right now but can't stomach the thought of taking another call, and there are over 20 people in the queue waiting to talk with an agent. If I could I would just take a sick day, but I just got back from using vacation time last week. And I want to take a sick day every day.

I hate having to work full time when I'm depressed, especially for this phone service, because it completely drains all of my emotional energy. But I would not be able to afford living if I didn't, so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I only have the energy to wake up (barely) on time, clock in, and start working about 15-20 min after I'm supposed to. I can't even make myself get dressed, shower, or brush my hair most days. And I am never ever this lazy when I'm not depressed.

I am in my late 20's but I haven't even been on a date or been involved with anyone since college, almost 8 years ago. It's not by choice, but I don't have much opportunity or energy to go out and meet people when I'm this depressed all the time. And even when I've tried, people can tell that I'm faking it and they don't seem to want to be around me. I am not the kind of person who needs to be in a relationship to be happy, but I do need companionship of some kind. I have no one, not even friends. I moved to this area to work and have been unable to make any legitimate friends in the 3.5 years I've been here, despite honest efforts. I feel destined to be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life. I have nothing to look forward to and no hope that anything will change. The highlight of my week is when I get to spend the whole weekend drunk or high so I don't have to deal with how ****ing pathetic I am.

I'm not sure why I even wake up each day.