SoSelfish,
Thank you for sharing what you're going through. I'm in the same boat right now, and this is the 8th time I've tried to get out of the relationship. Last week he scared the crap out of me and kept me from having my phone and then grabbed me and kept me confined in one room. I had a panic attack and called the cops the next morning, and he was taken to the hospital and then to jail.
I too struggle with feeling guilty, and I have no desire to enter back into the hell of a relationship, but I know it's only easy now because of the no-contact order of protection. Once that is lifted, he'll try to weasel his way back in, and I know I doubt myself. Because I've tried to leave so many times and always ended up believing him when he said he would change or get help.
This is a tough road to walk for us. I try to just keep talking about it, so I can stay out of denial. I also continue to do research and educate myself on domestic abuse and battered woman syndrome. Intellectualizing it helps take the emotions out of it for me. At least for now. I'll have to see him in court soon, and I need to get stronger. Best wishes to you, and whatever helps you feel stronger and more level-headed, just keep doing that. Denial/minimizing/justifying/rationalizing can be a strong pull when we've been in these relationships for a long time. Oh, and I also try to tell myself that feeling guilty is exactly what he would want me to feel. That helps