I am really struggling. I feel as though my life is going nowhere. It's painful watching everyone around you find jobs, find spouses, find hobbies. Move on with their lives. While you remain stagnant, unable to figure out how they do it. How they do what humans are 'supposed' to do. I am really, really struggling.

Most days, I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't sleep. It's hard to sleep (more on that in a bit), but I lie awake, not wanting to move from my bed. Because I feel it is pointless to get up when I have nothing to get up for. I have my dog, but she is just as content lying next to me all day. I have felt so close to tears, but I can't cry. I am just too numb to cry. I feel nonexistent. There is no other way to put it.

I am in so much pain lately, too. Back pain, headaches, digestive issues. So much pain that all I want to do is curl up and cry (but as I said, I can't even cry because depression has even taken my tears away). I used to think the worst part of depression was sporadic crying. I spent much of last summer, lying on my floor, not just crying but screaming because I was so depressed. I was wrong. I would give anything to have that back, because at least then I knew I was alive. Now, the only reminder that I'm alive is the back pain that won't go away, the stomach pain that comes and goes, the chest pain that wakes me at night, and the sun that shines through my window every morning - reminding me that other people are living, while I am not.

I wish I had some ups to report. I do not.