you did survive it. you just carry many scars. it is horrible what you went thru. i am so sorry. it sounds like we coped in many of the same ways. i feel like i have lost my entire life to the struggles of mental health issues stemming from my abuse. i finally had a major break down about eight years ago. i am finally putting life together and working to discover what happiness it but it is very challenging. i have very few relationship because i am so afraid of being hurt. i spent years with the wrong therapist who avoided dealing with my trauma. now i am finally working with a trauma therapist and my anxiety is greatly reduced. i hope that in a few years i will finally have it worked out. take care.