I have a rare neurological condition, but I don't know what it is, I was diagnosed with stiff person gait or stiff man's syndrome of march of last year. Yes I thought it was making sense at the time, but it doesn't add up why my body just quits on me without my control.

Yes stress may have a part in it, but it's too random. I get stressed all the time and many of the times. I don't get stressed, but I doubt it's just this on the outside.

Even on my happiest days it will get me. So at work they know I have this condition, but sometimes I lose touch of reality and say things I don't mean to say and a zombie to my own subconscious thoughts and feelings all spill out at the most inappropriate times.

I am afraid I may have offended my managers and now think I'm faking it, which I wish that's not the case. I only suspect it, when I threatened to commit suicide from the physical pain, in which was truthful it can be that painful from my muscles spasming out so badly I can't move and I'm paralyzed most of the time. I stayed in bed earlier today and haven't left my room much I'm going to stay in bed till work tomorrow I should be ok after the attack. No more should come up for awhile, usually. It's not triggered by anything specific yes stress does contribute and lack of sleep but the instance it happens doesn't happen regularly it's too irregular to fit my diagnosis. I may have something worse or not so bad. I don't know, it's gotten worse and a lot more painful. Think of it being in your body as a giant two walls crushing you to bits. My body is literally squeezing itself very hard, and it can break my bones I take care of myself in good health to prevent that.
My psychosis is linked to this, it's brain damage related. I'm like a drone, and say stuff like, "I'm going to kill myself it's too painful," "I don't want to be here" "please kill me now" "the monsters will get me.: "I don't want to be trapped in this nightmare" "wake me up," and today I said, " I am going to overdose on alcohol and pills."
In reality I'd never kill myself this way, I've often thought about it, but I'm not wanting to die.

And I pissed off my manager who may be confused and angry with me, he said, "am I supposed to feel pity for you or not?" In which is an appropriate answer he was confused, I couldn't move actually, and was a slave in that nightmare scenario trying to not make a scene. I felt I was in a nightmare the real world so I cried out of feeling completely helpless, for someone to help escort me and give me comfort, so I can be out of the situation."

Now I'm afraid I made too much of a scene on accident to be let back to work now. I'll find out tomorrow, but I don't know what to do.

I can't help it, and people don't have it and it's so hard to explain. I'm completely being genuine and people accuse me of being faking it. The only proof I had when this happened to me at 15 almost 16 years old at school. in 2009 I was a sophomore in highschool and when I was taken to the hospital for the exact same manner the neurologists did tests on me and found out, my brain is shutting down and I'm going to die in a couple hours. I know this is linked, I know it is. I can't deny it. I don't have encephalitis as a disease, but I maybe directly affected by it's damage and aftermath from my treatment. I say this because, after that happened to me when I turned 16 I was in a lot of absent seizure type symptoms so I had tests for epilepsy. The other thing I linked it too is dopamine levels, because at my happiest and unhappiest moments will aggravate it or sometimes trigger it but very seldomly it does trigger it immediately like once every month or 4 months.

It's the fact my dopamine has put me in a coma and almost killed me from smoking marijuana at a party finding that out first hand. I didn't have a weed coma, I was in a coma from the dopamine and my body has always been super sensitive to everything that's in me and around me whether it's emotional and physical. I've found this has driven this. It's all interlocked together in this disorder, I don't know what it is, I know it isn't stiff person despite how promising it came to look as. Stiff person syndrome is too scheduled and doesn't meet enough criteria to meet my current issues.

Also it's like when you are in this state, you are at the mercy of your own body hoping it doesn't squeeze and kill you. It affects all my muscles. Including, my kidneys, stomach, heart, lungs, everything. I am afraid it maybe something that can be fatal. I feel it's capable of that, but for now, it's made me stop breathing and stop moving.

On the outside it looks like odd behavior, but I'm truly going through hell. I never wanted to be like this, but it's a disorder of some kind auto immune at least. I don't think it's stiff person even though it's auto immune as well, but this doesn't make much sense to me.

I hope I don't get fired, because I am desperately trying not to be on disability for the rest of my life. I had my whole life hard and rough, but I feel this has brought a whole new level of hell and challenge to me to having and enjoying a young adult life. Dating isn't almost impossible with this, and people act like I'm a freak or I'm mentally unstable or retarded completely quoted.

I've been wanting to commit suicide, but this isn't something I want to do out of stress reasons. I have a code of honor I don't want to die miserable and have my death only in my hands. Whether that be in a written legal contract agreement or I'm taken outside and killing myself. I know it's grim, but it's something I've committed to, after seeing my grandmother suffer six years trapped in her own body helpless like me now, because of alzhiemers disease, I loved her so much and was so heart broken of her suffering. I'd rather had died and been in her place than her, because I missed her. I still do and it's because he impact she made me feel saved me a lot of hell, and it's that I wish she could see me now. I wish I could be in my hospital bed with her in the same room. Like I didn't know her that long, but that's how connected I am to her. She babysitted me and my sister and my cousin's starting 20 years ago till when she couldn't take care of herself in 2003 I think.

She went ballistic and was severely beaten and abused. I saw at a very young age she wasn't fed and for her psychiatric stuff she was being treated for, she was maltreated. She was very much neglected and I saw it first hand. She wasn't the same person, and it devastated me, I'm going through those emotions again because of my condition crippling my movement.

I haven't ever going to get over grieving over her. It's too much I saw that damaged me and I know I'm going through it all over again now with this.

I'm unable to see my therapist, and I need the money to pay her back so I can get help, but if they fire me I can't get the help I need fast enough and would have to wait a lot longer. I hate being poor, because of this. I rarely see her or see any of my dr's. at some point, I'm going to get so ill from something bad.

I won't be able to probably afford and my parents afford to take care of me or probably keep me alive, but that's just me being negative, but it can happen if it did happen like that.

So it's why I tried to have a "gf" not someone I "love or for the other reasons people do it" I like this girl because of who she is and I want to spend time with her even if it's the rest of my life at least and she can be happy and move on with what she needs and wants to do. I just am afraid of dying alone and not like how my grandma had when she passed away. My grandpa paid so much money to keeping her alive, because his grief of losing her is too much for him. He has the strongest heart from a man I've ever known, I have not ever seen so much love and dedication from someone.

I wish someone was like that with me and when I die, I feel my life is completed, well at least before then. I figured I'd be honest what has been underlying my stress as well telling you what happened at the same time.

I really don't worry about silly things anymore, because I can't afford to. I wish I could, but I'm happy I don't.