The life I have is also kinda pointless. Ever since being a grade schooler, or before that, I've only played with consoles and was immersed into the computer world. The grades were always horrible, and there was nothing to look forward to tomorrow. I just wasted my time and life in games and art. And that's still how it is nowadays. I've slowly turned into an abomination they call computer geek/nerd, because that's all I could amount to. With a little bit of art and language immersion. I'm convinced that I have no life to waste or gain though.

I've got too lazy to accomplish anything. I make plans or ideas, only to get immersed into different things and don't finish what I start. And these are not even interests, just a carefree geek playing around, not taking anything seriously. This life is absolutely ridiculous. So I just think of it as a rather bland SimCity-like experimental game.

People don't understand why I constantly give up on myself – because there is no difference if I continue or fall now…When activities become meaningless, then it's nothing to live for. There is no enjoyment for me to be found in this life. When no one understands or cares, why stay.

I don't fit in anywhere. Most of the reason for no purpose and no passion is because no one supports or cares about me. You can only do things for yourself for so long – and when it comes to wanting to share your experiences with someone, only emptiness awaits. This is the worst part of life. That nature forces you to be social to be able to thrive.

If you take away my geeky side, and all that I'm forcing myself to do, then I'm just dead inside. I see nothing positive in the future to come. There is some hope for improvement, but then I realize there is no improvement possible for me. So I just take it easy and careless.

I'm now in such a state that I have no will or determination or even a point to exist. The thing about life is that it's only good as long as you have at least one person around who can stabilize you. Once that person ceases to be there, you'll fall, and you'll become nonchalant, useless, meaningless, purposeless and just a blank existence. It's very tough and relentless just existing for your own self. The way I am.

But then you don't need someone to be closely around to gain meaning where there is none anymore. I watch violinists and other artists in YouTube, and insta-realize the meaning of life. It gives me power to do something and be as passionate as them in something for a while - if only I could express things...so what you need is a NEW perspective when everything feels bleak. That's going to get you started somewhere. Even if you end up failing all over again.

I'm a loner. I rarely talk to people, and only have one aquaintance (not even, because we only talk once per a few months). I am creative and lazy, the worst combination. I am only focused when I try to troubleshoot things or solve problems. But even there, only very specific problems interest me. I can be obsessive, strange and crazy - which drives people further away. Not doing anything (slacking through the day) is my favorite activity. When I feel like it, sometimes I can attempt to do something. I failed my 1st year of current school because I didn't like a teacher who kept bullying me and my laughing classmates.

I can be a very positive or a very negative person. But mostly negative, I only become positive when you approach me in a positive way with a HONEST intention to care 'bout me and cheer me up someway. Just freakin' talk a few words to this recluse loner, and I'll kiss your feet for eternity. (just joking)

I select who to befriend, which ends me to having no friends at all. Because I have unrealistic or fictional expectations, but humans can't be like that (god-like, dream-like). Only had acquaintances, and only a few (1-3) in my life.

I wrote this in hopes you could learn something from my experiences. But if not, no problem. I'm used to being avoided and ignored.