It is so difficult to be unable to control your own behaviors...you are doing the best you can and I hope you also see a neurologist, ...I know you don't want to be on disability---are there any resources in your community that might help? Few of us want to be alone...and this community is here for you. (not the same but it has helped me a good deal)----& so sorry for your losses, ...((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))