Aaand I'm still at rock bottom. These days I'm sleeping in the afternoons, and always wake up to some pain (that feels like inner bleeding). While I sleep, I feel some relief at last, but waking up is always so painful, and this body feels like mud in the morning and I have some trouble getting up in the first place. (While I was in the hospital, I noticed that I could easily sleep for days, even the whole day.)

Today I went to school, but was really messed up and anxious, so I ended up finding the empty seat (on the 2nd floor that faces the wall) with the desk and try to forget the world...but the people were moving constantly around me, so I couldn't take it after one hour of idle waiting, and after 2 classmates came to ask me why I don't go in to class (and I muttered something like "because I feel terrible"), so I went out from school and waited 1 hour in the freezing cold at the public transport, observing people awkwardly (that 1 hour was needed not go home too early) and watch many trams go and leave. My whole body was quite freezing by the time I got home, so I slept until now to recover some life...

That is how a day of mine looks like. And the weekends are even more terrible, because then I have to bear my parents' indirect abuse. So the only reverence left is the computer and arts.

I'm not strong at all, otherwise I would not have these suicide tendencies take over me, such as almost getting hitten by cars (not just once), or jogging in the city in hopes to get into an accident somewhere, etc. I do these suicide experiments to see whether life still needs me or not. Because no one is there to tell me, you see.

When I see the ticket inspector thoroughly check me, that is fate's way of saying: "you were very stupid to wait 1 hour in the freezing cold, here is your repayment for doing so" - also then I felt like I was a homeless bum to the ticket inspector because I must have looked frozen and dubious -

Sorry, got another useless rant here.

I don't think so?

Is being a nerd about caring about things no one else cares about but only you? To me, it also means no social life or care about oneself, just an obsession over things only you care about.

Back in the golden days, I did game modding and also a few chiptune music (am I the only one who loves 8-bit music?)...that's some of the past, but I really can't recall much. Ever used FastTracker 2? Now I'm still trying composing a few, though not 8-bit, but just random tunes, but it's hard without passion. So I listen to other music artists in hopes to gain inspiration -
Sometimes I also write some game ideas (plot)...nothing too fancy.

When it comes to trying to get back to life...I read manga no one reads, play games noone does, and other interests no one cares. I don't do it habitually anyway.

Lastly, there is this song. Which is the #1 candidate for my unofficial theme song. The mood is just right. Digital fantasy, hell yes!