Quote:
Originally Posted by misskeena
I think I only seem to attract people with whom I have to put in most of the effort when it comes to friendship, lol. I know...you teach people how to treat you. But in any group, I tend to be the natural leader (or organizer, or whatever) and so I think this is just the default with my friends. If I don't call/contact them, they just think I'm busy or not interested so I'll never hear from them spontaneously (of course, they'll always say "I was just thinking of you and wanting to get together!") And when we do make plans, they usually just defer to me to plan something for everyone. Like I said, I guess this is just the way it is...but sometimes it would be nice for people to call me up out of the blue. And this "role" I always seem to be in makes not taking the original issue personally more difficult.
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I sometimes feel like I'm in that role, too. Carolyn Hax had a column this week sort of related to this, I think yesterday. I actually disagreed with both her advice and many of the commenters.
I do think that some people are more naturally planners/initiators than others... but it also takes two to tango. I am okay if I am the one who says 'hey, let's grab coffee,' the majority of the time, but if the other person never reaches out at all, I'm no longer going to do all of the work. Like, if Joe never contacts me at all, not for an invite or quick word on Facebook- I'm not going to waste time and energy on him. Whether he's busy or just not interested in hanging out or doesn't really like me that much, it doesn't matter.
I made that resolution maybe a year ago and it's worked out okay, although I'm going through a phase right now where I feel like no one is initiating with me and it's kind of bumming me out. I'm telling myself that it's just a seasonal thing. A few months ago I felt like too many people wanted to get together.
I enjoy having a wide range of acquaintances to call upon so I will continue to initiate coffee dates (or whatever) with people I rarely hear from, on a once every year or two kind of basis.
It's definitely hard to balance 'giving the benefit of the doubt' vs 'not being taken advantage of.' I would like more clarity around that without so much thinking on my part.