Update: I'll be seeing my therapist tomorrow. I'm not feeling well right now but I have the opportunity to write..

I'm still hesitant to open up about everything as I'm concerned he'll read this and become upset. Something else occurred and I believe I'll be making a separate thread about it.

There was so much said in the session he listened to and it really was the worst possible one he could have heard. He feels he was justified in listening as he overheard something disturbing. He claims he remained seated but I don't know how he could have heard everything from his chair; I have a pretty soft voice. He has told me we can't be together if I continue to have "sinister thoughts" about him because only someone who is paranoid/mentally ill would think those things.

Last night, he seemed very upset with me again and finally revealed that he believes I lied to him(and can't be trusted/he doesn't know who I am) when we first became involved 3 years ago? He stood up after hours(?) of appearing upset and told me, and I tried my best to explain/defend myself. What does he feel I lied about? He said I lied about not wanting casual sex as I had sex with exes after breakups, therefore indicating that I wanted casual sex. I tried to explain that I felt those actions "weren't me" and that I had always ideally wanted a healthy, long-term relationship. I've been with 8 men(including him), and four of those relationships lasted more than 2 years. I don't have some exciting, casual sex-filled past and, even if I had, I don't quite know why yet that it's being brought up now(I can only guess). The biggest thing he was upset about was his claim that I told him I only had sex once with the person I was with before we became involved, then later revealed it wasn't only once? I remember that conversation. I don't recall the exact details but I know myself and I know I had absolutely no reason to lie about such a detail. I felt very uncomfortable talking about it as I was still processing it, I didn't feel my BF approved, etc but.. I did not lie. He doesn't believe me and sees this and the therapy session and whatever other evidence he feels he's gathered as proof that... I can't be trusted.

Another time not long ago, he became upset with me because he felt the frequency of sex with past boyfriends that I'm currently claiming does not match up with what I told him 3 years ago, or 10 years ago(we were friends long ago). He has files on me, conversations we had about these topics. Quite frankly, I don't care to recall sex frequency, and.. after being asked about it multiple times, having my memories picked at, feeling incredibly nervous, etc.. I do not remember.

The night before the therapy appointment he overheard(NOTE: these things were not discussed in my therapy appt.), he was pushing me to tell him what I talked to my friends(I really only talked to two people.. long distance.. I don't know anyone here and am very shy) about regarding our relationship. He wanted to see these conversations.

This is just what's going on now, and it's confusing and upsetting for me. As you might have guessed, there has been worse. However, I'm really doubting myself here. I know that if he saw this he would become upset with my wording and believe that I'm being misleading. I relate to most things that I read about emotionally abusive relationships. I sound like I'm in one. But what if it's just my wording? What if he hasn't given me a reason to feel scared, sad, self doubting, confused, insecure, etc every day of my life? What if I am mentally ill or scarred from my past(abusive household growing up, abusive relationships)?

Why have his questions focused on my past sex lives? After being a fairly sexual person, I have been avoiding sex to some degree the last few months. At one point, he told me that he does a lot for me so I should have sex with him. He also said I had sex in past unhappy relationships so... why not him?

Yes, that sounds bad. I know a lot of this sounds bad. I have spent 3 years observing him(I rarely leave the house) and trying my best to understand him. I do not think he realizes how these things sound, their impact on me, why I might be hurt by them, and so on. That(his mental state) is one thing I discussed with my therapist, in the overheard appointment. It's taken me approx. 3 years to start to see things in a new light. I could logically see how some things were "wrong" in the past but, on an emotional level, it was difficult for me. It still is. I used to blame myself for our conflicts, which occurred on a regular basis, as well as my emotional responses to them. I feel picked at/criticized on a regular basis as well.

He made a couple's therapy appointment with a new therapist and I'm very fearful of how that will go. We had some couple's therapy appointments with my current therapist(before my therapist determined that they were not helpful), and they did not go well. Later, he said I "assassinated his character" in the last session. My therapist was surprised to hear that and said, if anything, I went extremely easy on my BF. I don't believe that I assassinated his character either but I fear I'll be accused of that if I say anything that could possibly be perceived as negative about him to the new couple's therapist. He does not take criticism well at all. In the past, if I told him something was hurtful(for example), he might seem distant/angry for hours, then.. after I asked what was wrong(and was met with a "nothing" reply), he would finally say "you said that I hurt you"... or "you said you felt depressed"... and..so on.

In the past, when I'd cry(for example), he would not comfort me. When I've asked for "peace"/gentleness/kindness on days when I've had a loss of a loved one/other difficulties, he would still treat me in the same manner. He could become upset with some little thing he felt I had done, then speak to me in a cold manner/be visibly angry/etc. When something happened that resulted in PTSD for me, he became upset at one point because he said that the place(where event occurred) was now ruined for him because of how I reacted(he had noticed I was shaky/jumpy when I went there with him). I could go on..

I know I'm rambling here. Most of the things that have occurred are now a blur in my memory. But I'm rambling/sharing random recent things here because I want to understand. I don't know what "mental illness" this is. There's more but.. I'm trying to keep out very personal/unique details and again, I'm worried he'll read this. He has many traits that indicate that he could have some degree of Asperger's Syndrome but.. also traits that don't fit, and traits that "go beyond that."

It's very troubling and confusing for me because there's another side to him: he's loving, cares about "the greater good," is honest, is generous(fully supports me/etc), is intelligent, has depth to him, and seems to genuinely care about me.

These are conversations I'll continue to have with my therapist but any input would be greatly appreciated...