Trigger warning

Okay I am a 41 yo bipolar male that has been pretty steady since last April or so. With the way my meds are working I no longer have constant sucidal thought except every so often so I am okay there. One of my problems is I still for some stupid reason I will go on a med vacation and I always end up going back to them. So here is my killing myself slowly first of I was a over the road truck driver with 1.5 million miles under my belt well when I quit driving truck three years ago I weighed 354 pounds and I am now down to 278 and filling better. I know I need to lose more weight. I am diabetic and have high blood pressure and last year I quit taking my meds for those for at least 8 months until my wife caught on and made me get back on them but it is almost like I don't care I mean I still eat like a pig heck last Halloween in the time of 3 or 4 days I ate a four pound bag of candy. I feel like now instead of trying to end it quickly I am just doing it over time by neglecting my medical needs.. This is not a New Years resolution cause I have not done one of those in about twenty years. Now after I have written this I feel like erasing it all and say f it. I don't know why I am writing this but maybe I am hoping for some support or something I just don't know anything anymore I mean three years ago I was a independent owner operator of a trucking company and now I sit on the couch watching t.v. And feeling codependent on my wife I went from bringing in six figures hoping I can get social security now I am broke as a joke my future has been shattered I was originally diagnosed over twenty years ago but was pretty stable until three years ago. Sucks to know that this disease will never go away. Well my rant is over for now wish me luck.

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