H-H-H-H,

This can be a challenge if one has been a victim in their past or is struggling deepy in ways others fail to understand or respect.

I have been a member here at PC for going on 4 years now and one thing I vowed to do is remain who I am no matter what mistakes I make. I already know I am human, I am certainly not perfect and am bound to make mistakes and I also knew that because I was struggling badly with PTSD I may react "first" before making a conscious decision to react.

While reading a how to like this, in order to actually achieve it as with everything we learn, we have to practice actually doing it. Well, because I have PTSD and a very challenged history that has hurt me in ways I did not realize, I have had to be very patient with myself. It is also important to recognize the personal attacks we enact on ourselves as well that comes out in negative self talk.

This is something that for me has been very, very hard. How do you explain what it is like to experience something, witness something destroyed in front of your eyes and have to "try" to remain composed when someone sits across from you purposely trying to find ways to punch holes in what you are saying happened to you? That it doesn't even matter if you slip into a flashback right in front of this person and cannot even answer because you're trapped in the flashback and it cuts out your ability to talk. It doesn't matter what truth is to this other person, what matters is their ability to argue against it in whatever way they can. Even if they believe you, can see how broken you are while sitting across from you, their job is not about that, but instead their job is not to care. Seven years and counting is a long time to deal with this challenge.

One can go along living their life in spite of some big challenges and making some gains when all of a sudden something comes down on them that puts them in a place they never could have imagined. I honestly don't know what is worse, the shock of the huge loss or all that has come after that keeps it in the present for so many years now.