So I'm 30... I try not to think about it (which is usually an effort made in vain), but I woke up today with the immediate thought in my head that I'm too out of touch to relate to people my age. I don't skype or kik or twitter or any of that crap. I hate social networking and most things technical. I have recently heard of this thing called 'coding' that is all over the internet. I had to get it explained to me, and I felt really out of touch with the modern world. However, I still really don't give a **** about stuff like that.

I have to say that the thought of getting older has ALWAYS terrified me. Since I was 16 I never wanted to get to be 30 years old. I guess I just always hoped I would either get killed or something. I had attempted suicide on three occasions between my early twenties to the last time when I was 28. I really, REALLY did not want to be 30 years old. There were a lot of other issues that I was dealing with that compounded my reasons for attempting suicide, as well.

Ever since I was a kid, I never talked to other people my age. I talked more to my teachers and aunts and uncles and other adults than I did to kids my age. I thought the dumb kiddy **** that was their primary concern was stupid and found very uninviting. NOW, however, I seem to talk mostly to people in their late teens and early twenties because people my age or older seem to be too 'grown up' and caught up in careers or families and such. Or they seem to be into stuff that I just don't care about. The inherent problem with this is that I have very little to relate to when I talk to this younger crowd. I grew up with interests that reflected that of an older person, and now I feel really out of date.

Another thing that really depresses me is that I have yet to do anything with my life. I have gone to school for advertising design, Automotive technology, and Cosmetology... every time I have found that I just wasn't as interested in it as I had initially thought. Needless to say, I have a lot of student debt that could have been avoided. I am defaulted multiple times and I really can't pay it as I struggle to get by with a min wage job. Oh, I was also in the military for a short bit. I got discharges for having a personality disorder. I guess that should be mentioned as well. I have Borderline Personality Disorder... it isn't something that I really regularly think about. But I occasionally remember that I had that diagnosis a long time ago. I've tried Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) but it doesn't do anything for me. So I just kinda forget that it's diagnosis until something reminds me from time to time.


I am living with my parents, yet again.... I have been moving in and out of living with them since I was 18. I keep trying to get out on my own, but I just keep getting knocked on my *** by life and frankly, I'm just tired of getting back up. I don't have the financial capacity to live on my own. I have always lived with significant others or with friends and roommates. Even if I COULD afford it, I don't think I would ever want to live alone.

I mean, it's no wonder I'm, single. It's probably better that way. I mean, I'm kind of a mess. I am a bit of a slut too, but I often wonder if I purposely make myself shallow and unavailable when it comes to relationships because I'm afraid of getting close to anyone again. I've had 2 very long term relationships in my life that destroyed me when they ended. It was extremely hard to get over. Since then, (and even more so since I have been out as Transgender), I have felt as though I am never going to be taken seriously and since I only have my looks for so long, I have to make the most use out of that while I can. I feel like no one is going to love me amorously, so I have to get what i can from what I've got, in that respect. I have since been with about 40 sexual partners. Most of them have been one time things, and a good handful I didnt even know their first names.

I guess what I'm trying to get around at is that I woke up today and just feel like a total waste of life. I look at myself and think, "what the **** am I doing?", and even more so, "What the **** do i even WANT to do?"
Before anyone suggests it, I HAVE seen professionals over these issues. Many, in fact. Over the years I have been to at least 4 or 5 different psychologists...psychiatrists? I forget which is which. I've actually seen both, but mostly the one that you just talk about your problems with. Only on one occasion did I go to one that tried to suggest medical treatment. Regardless, none of that has really done anything to help me. I have talked to my friends and family to the point where I am just a broken record and I just get the same responses and suggestions that don't work until everyone eventually just tells me some variant of "I don't know what to tell you."

This is going to sound like a ***** thing to say, but I really don't find any solace in knowing that other people feel the same way. I really don't care if I'm alone in feeling this way or not. It doesn't really change the fact that I feel this way, now does it?

:'(