So, this guy has two sides. The sweet loving side (the good person) and the ugly , toxic side ( the abuser).

And you want to know how to get more of the former and less of the latter, correct?

Well, the solution is to spend time with a good person and dump the abuser.

This guy is bad for you. Period. All the YEARS you have spent "observing" haven't changed him. He violates your very soul with his actions. You are being brainwashed.

I suspect that you know this. Which is why you are here. A lot of good people have responded to you. Try listening to them instead of your abuser.

( Inspired by an article in Slate magazine/ Dear Prudence, Dec 24 , 2014)