I tend to keep a lot from my husband. My knee-jerk reaction has always been to lie, to sugar-coat everything and say that I'm fine. Part of it, I know, is embarrassment; I feel that I should be able to handle this. Another part, however, is his response. Like someone posted earlier, his instinct is to "fix" me, and it frustrates him that he cannot.

Also, he has grown to resent my illness (and thus, resent me) over the 8 years that I've known him. In his frustration/anger, he lashes out and can be quite cruel when we argue, or when he sees me exhibit symptoms of depression (he seems okay with the mania!). He thinks that shaming me into going out/socializing or doing things will cause me to "snap out of it." Finally, he just ignores me altogether and goes out alone. Then I feel so empty and lonely that I wonder why he's in my life at all...

...which is why we are now separated. I don't know if telling him more would have helped. I don't know if I showed him too much.

I don't know if my marriage is even fixable at this point. He hates my illness, but says he loves me and would do anything to help me get well. But sometimes I feel that he almost needs me to be sick so he can justify leaving. He's repeatedly said that caring for me is "exhausting" and "not fair" to him, but then is furious that I don't share more with him. At this point, though, I'm afraid to say anything, because I feel like such a burden. Then, I get mad because I have taken care of him through many of his issues and feel that he should buck up and help me out!