Please keep posting Taonuviel. You care enough to post here. You care enough to recognize that you are in a serious funk. That's not much, I know, just a tiny little atom's worth of caring about yourself and your life.

You've made a commitment to yourself to go to the counseling service and find a new counselor. That's terrific. Please give yourself a pat on the back for that. It takes a lot of psychic energy for you to do that in your current shape.

I worry about you defining yourself as "anhedonic." We are very much affected by the labels we put on ourselves. Once one decides, "Well, I'm anhedonic," then we have to give ourselves permission NOT to be THAT. Do you think you can create a little space for recovery by telling yourself, "I'm almost completely anhedonic." Because "almost completely" opens up that tiny atom's worth of space where you can allow yourself to remember what it feels like to experience lightness, laughter, job. Even if you don't/can't smile, just the lightness of seeing a puppy or flower or baby, or sunset, or whatever you used to enjoy, and remembering that you used to enjoy these things.

"almost completely" gives you permission not to put yourself totally and completely in this category. and to feel that fleeting moment of lightness, should it come, instead of stamping it out by having to remember, "No, I can't experience that. I'm anhedonic."

Yes, it's a word game. But reality is built of words and the stories we tell ourselves about who we are -- as individuals, as groups, as nations.

Please keep posting, T. We care about you here.