I'm really struggling, because I really like this girl who likes me as trans and supports me becoming a girl too. I really want my dreams to come true, I just can't stand being a guy and I wish people saw me who I truly wanted to look like. Yeah, I don't like looking at photos at myself, I don't like looking in the mirror when someone gives me a compliment I accept it, but sometimes I act all awkward, when it's someone I find very beautiful and attractive as well.

I've struggled all my life for every time I really liked someone is that person to see what I see. I hated looking in the mirror at myself feeling always out of place, as a girl. I feel that, I could match my personality with no confusion and feel comfortable being myself for once. I really have felt all my life I never belonged anywhere and all I wanted was to be loved and all I wanted was to be myself and be happy, but couldn't see past my looks. I just never could, I really hated being rejected, because it goes back to how much I hated my looks and how many days I've been starving myself because I really wish I was beautiful. I never wanted this facial hair, I never wanted to have male parts. I never wanted for people to assume, I have to be tough all the time. I never wanted to work so hard and know I'm not like the others and wish I wasn't have to do things in such an inconvenient manner.

I never really liked telling my mother about this, because she expects me to be grateful because we can't afford much of anything. All I see my life is some sort of fantasy novel or fairy tale with a huge developing plot within and outside my life time and that my love story is just beginning. That's what I was hoping at least, in my mind how my thoughts in my head talk were always female, someone younger, around mid teens. I always associated myself wanting to feel classy in dresses and spend time trying to look good for myself and living life no longer feeling I'm tied down by my looks. I know I shouldn't look at the superficial, but when you are spending all your life turned down and knowing you can be more than what others give you credit for and no matter how hard you try it didn't ever reach the surface.

You suffocate on your own weight of anticipation leading only to immediate disappointment that lasts so long. That this interwoven mystery of my life has brought clarity on a lot of things, when I type on the computer this late at night. I look at my arms and see a more frailer body inside, I see that I have smaller breasts and mid short hair. I feel so many times what's it's like to live how I really dream of seeing myself.

I never belonged in my family even though I love them a lot, but even though they love me too. I never felt I should of actually existed my whole life I think I did something that prevented me becoming a girl and this is my punishment. I could live every moment to the fullest despite the bad traumatic stuff in my life and go through my suffering much easier and full of content despite how'd I'd feel, because I know I'll be alright.

I am who I am and no one can change that. I mean I can't really give up now, but I don't have many options.

My thing I had with relationships are a mix of fantasy, sci fi, and realistic experiences. That I'd fall in love with someone many lifetimes away we switched bodies we were once the opposite gender. This time, I miss her again. She and I were connected and never were apart. She's the reason I remember who I am and why I'm here. My female body came into play because not only I dated her and had children when she was a man, but I was happy and felt like I belonged in someones arms being shorter and she was taller feeling like I had a place there, but currently. As a guy going to a transition it wouldn't be the same. I find it silly that I'd bring it up, because I am not really attracted to guys currently, it's very rare for me and I don't mind it. It's just how I am.

Anyways, I felt that this person always was with me. I didn't need the friendships I have and had now or better yet anything. Even my family and parents. I didn't need them, because this person gave me all that I needed. I could shut out the world and be alone again wherever we are.

I grieved so many years in my life, knowing that I'm not seeing this person so far. I know that I cry all the time like now, because I wish I was pretty enough for her. I couldn't be a guy, especially in the body I am in, I think she'd reject me if I'd recognize her and she'd not take a second glance and forget I even exist. Feeling so alone all the time, and maybe this is just my insanity from whatever psych, medical or whatever I've been dealing with as a side effect or not who knows, but I figure. I'll wait as long as I need to, that's only why I'm alive anymore. I just want to see what happens and all I want is to die with this person and feel safe they aren't leaving me anymore.

It's so hard to explain how this all works, and not much room to explain it. As a girl, I remember we dated both as girls. She was my best friend I grew up with and we always did everything together we were meant for each other from the beginning as best friends to lovers and bff's.

We painted each others nails, we played outside a lot rode on bikes, talked about our boy troubles, did school work together, and spent a lot of time reading books and going on vacations. Finding out so many years later we were soul mates and that feeling I may have hurt or lost her. I don't remember, but it's so hard not knowing if I'll see her again.

Sorry I didn't want to say that, it's something super personal to me.