Thread: I'm not okay.
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Old May 23, 2007, 12:19 AM
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jacq10 jacq10 is offline
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Member Since: Aug 2006
Location: U.S.
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I shouldn’t still be this attached. It should be over by now .. I still shouldn’t need to be there this much. I miss my old life so much … it kind of comes and goes, and now I’m definitely in the missing phase, only it doesn’t feel like a phase… it feels ongoing and inescapable. I dreamt last night that I showed up at my old high school, my literal home, unexpectantly and went and found my mother figure and she just smiled and shook my hand. Shook my hand. Why would I dream something like that? It seems that I always have dreams like that where bad things happen in them.

I’m trying to think…. But there really are no words right now. No words… just memories and longing to be held in her arms. To see her smiling face with those eyes, and to be loved. Being loved by someone other than a friend…to be loved as a daughter, even if I know that I’m not even close. I use to feel close… but now I know I’m not even remotely close. Too far… so far gone that I reached out and called and left a message. Hoping that there might be the slightest chance I’d hear from her … why do I keep setting myself up for hurt? I should know by now that theres no point… no point in hanging on.

LET GO. If only it were that easy …. Just let go. But I can’t … its got a hold of me and I’m struggling to break free but its grip is too tight. Tying me down like a prisoner in my own world. My own perfect world where I amount to something more than a random… where I have a purpose besides paying for rent. Where I feel loved and am surrounded by beautiful people and beautiful things. Or was that just a figment of my imagination too? Did I really just want to have something beautiful so badly that I created it? Built it up so that when I left I could have something to look back on and be happy about? If only I knew how much it would torment me in the future … if I had of been smart I wouldn’t have been so dependant. People say that I’m independent … but really I’m no better than someone who clings to their mothers leg, begging for attention.

Attention. Sounds like such a horrible needy word. Attention. I shouldn’t need it … I should be fine on my own if I’m really that independent. But its not just regular attention that I crave. I crave attention from her … from all the wrong people. I have the means for attention right next door … but I’m too picky, or stupid. Either way I hurt. I’m stuck. So unbelievably stuck that sometimes I convince myself that I’m not actually stuck… I think that I’m okay.

SO OBVIOUSLY *NOT* OKAY.

What is wrong with me? Did I do something along the way to make me not deserve to be free from myself? Free from my chains holding me down? I want to cry … I need to cry … I need to feel. I need her. My mother figure who will never amount to more than that. A figure. And me? I’m a distant memory.

__________________
The unexamined life is not worth living.
-Socrates