Thank you all very much for the advice! It's funny - I feel I get most of my depression from being anxious. Especially when I realize how much anxiety has taken over my life. That is the main reason why I don't want medication for depression... because if I'm not anxious and holding back on life, I'm not depressed! Point being though, that things like meditation, reading, dancing, etc. all seem pointless when I'm in a depressed state. I feel numb, and like nothing will help (I know this is typical!) So! I will try and relax more often. Easier said than done! My therapist seems to be on to something, but he hasn't given me much insight concerning what to do yet.... He says I'm always anxious, even when I think I'm normal and happy.

I would do anything to sit on a porch with some iced tea in hand, look out at a field and feel completely at peace with myself, who I am, who I've become, all of the good things that have happened (and bad) and not feel like I've "wasted" time, or that I'm confused as to why I even exist... I want to feel peace again. Depersonalization and obsessing over existential thoughts is the worst part.