Hi.

This is my first post here. I'm Quiddie, I'm 32, and I've been depressed as long as I can remember. I first realized what it was when I was 15. Before that, it's not like you could google it on the internet. 15 was when I first had open access to getting online and researching things because, to be honest, I knew there was something abnormal about wishing I was dead even if it was all I wanted.

I've tried therapy, medication, self-help. None of it worked for long. I hate my life, job, family. My parents smother me and treat me like a child. I've joked that I should change my name to Rapunzel because if they could have locked me up in a tower to keep me away from the world, they would have. They pretty much did when I was young (quoting my mom: "we didn't let you get involved in things because we didn't want to chase after you and have to get you to things. Your brother was enough trouble."). My job has stressed me out and pushed me to the brink enough at this point that I'm kind of convinced it's making me physically ill, yet I can't quit because I live paycheck to paycheck and I can't find anything else not for a lack of trying. Many of my friends have given up on me, including my best friend of 17 years. I've tried to make more, but I tend to be a rather invisible being. No one notices me really, or they forget I exist fairly quickly. I've worked a huge weekend long charity event for 9 years with roughly all the same people and most of them don't even remember my name year to year. Just "I think I've seen you before". Guys don't notice me either. I'm 32 and never had a date, let alone an actual relationship.

I hate myself. I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm stupid. I could go on. About 2 years ago I lost 135 lbs thinking maybe that would help things. It didn't, and I've since gained almost all of it back because the only relief I get is from shoving mass quantities of food in my mouth. I'm tired of feeling this way, but I honestly don't know what it is to not feel like this. Don't get me wrong, I have good moments. But there is always this lingering black cloud hovering nearby.

Anyway, hopefully I'll see you guys around. Sorry to be such a downer.