Well, this post is basically the reason for me joining this forum. My parents are currently in the process of finding a therapist for me, but it has been taking so long I think they have forgotten or just think I don't need it anymore. Anywho, i've been struggling for about a year now with thoughts, depressed feelings, and self-esteem issues (even longer). A few months ago my doctor recommended a talk therapist to help me(self-esteem issues, i have not really talked anything about my thoughts and depressed feelings). My parents said they were going to find one and were waiting for a call back. Shortly after the doctor's visit, i began writing notes on my computer about my thoughts hoping that it would help my therapist understand what is happening to me. I want to share these notes in hopes that someone can tell me something about it. Iv'e been waiting so long and now i just want answers. I'm tired of not knowing what is or what is not wrong with me. I basically am asking if anyone can tell me if this is something more than "hormones" or "adolescence".

Little bio before sharing:
Male, 15, Hispanic background, upper middle-class family, no traumatic experiences (car accident that i suppose contributes to my fear of driving, but would not consider it traumatic), great life/ no reason to be sad, fortunate and grateful for it, i have times where i get really sad and feel completely worthless, other times i feel better than everyone else (i don't think i am just a feeling i cant control)... anything else? let me know,

Notes: (does not include most of thoughts)

"Worthless useless human flesh"
3 things-
Either
-Everything around me is a lie. Im living a lie
-I have a disorder(autism, etc ) everyone knows but me. Everyone who shows positive emotion toward me just feels bad for me and doesn't actually care about me.
-I don't know it but I am on some sort of tv show(or social experiment) . Everyone knows but me.
Edit: -[this is just a preparation for real life, I'm just in some simulation growing and learning about life before i get to the real thing
-all a dream? in a coma or sleeping experiencing this 15-year long dream ]

I don't engage in social situations because I feel unwanted. People only feel bad for me so that's why they are "friends."

What is my purpose? nothing so far. Nothing to come.?

Am I dramatic? Am I lying to myself? Am I just lazy? Am I just that useless? Am I a hypochondriac? Fictitious disorder? or something serious? Do i seek attention? compassion? Am i that selfish? Am I just looking for excuses? Am I consciously making myself sick? Or am i really? Who am I and why?

Chris and Marisa's Wedding(cousin's wedding) things that came to mind that "down" night-
There's so much to look forward to in life
People can be more than happy without me
Something's wrong with me

The Fact that someone has to suffer because of my selfishness is the worst result of it all.
I know all people usually say, "I'll love my child no matter how he comes out" But I believe that most people would anonymously agree that they hope their child(ren) end up normal and healthy. So why Do I have to make my parents suffer for what they don't have control over? What makes me so worthy? Nothing. So the cycle continues. I hate me. They are sad. I hate me because they are sad because I hate me. They are sad because i hate me because they are sad because I hate me. you get it hopefully..

Why am I me? Why? what made me this? there is no reason
I am more fortunate than other, so what gives me the right to be sad. Nothing.

Stop being me.

Two parts of me arguing in my mind. One hates me and tells me constantly how terrible and worthless I am. The other tells me I'm making this up. Sometimes the other is compassionate and will try to perk me up. Edit… More than two edit… talk about different things voices loud but i know they are just in my head

So I am me because I have no faith.
One of the few things that I thought I had and now have to question.

Triggers
-Rejection
-Disappointment

It's scary (edit- terrifying) not knowing what's wrong with you(what you feel)

Remember to vent and Be Better

Be Better and JusT Stop

It's one of those days

Real pain vs my "pain", is the pain i feel real? should it even be considered pain?am i just weak?

Ok

Don't help you because you are not worth it just remember to help future you. future you is a different person, hopefully, so remember don't do things to make others suffer. suffer for others. Good thought help future you, experience bad things if it makes future you better!

When the floor is more comfortable than the couch

Am I unknowingly faking? I truly don't know

From 5 to 10 to 8 to 1 to 5… Edit… changes sometimes sudden

Cant process information as soon as I hear it

fears, so many:
fear of driving
fear of hurting others
fear that I don't see the world how others see it
fear that everything will fall apart one day all of a sudden
fear that I will cause pain, suffering, death, destruction to others
fear of not being able to control myself/ losing control
fear of going crazy all of a sudden
fear of transmitting diseases I don't have

from introvert and pessimism to extrovert and optimism, but a lot more complicated edit: passive sometimes assertive to passive aggressive and even aggressive; also, from all about others and nothing about me, to extreme selfishness and lack of caring about other person's feeling
from feeling like the biggest loser/nerd/dork, etc… to feeling better cooler, smarter more amazing than anyone else

I don't know who I am. Not like the person I wish to be in the future or the type of "knowing who you are" after living out life, but in the sense that I don't know how to describe myself to someone and believe it. I like to think certain things of myself, but constantly question their validity. I think I like or dislike something, but maybe none of that's true. I don't know what it feels like to like something, hate it (few exceptions), enjoy it, detest it.. Am I nice, considerate, smart, helpful or just think I am? Am I arrogant, narcissistic, clueless or just think I am.

Extremely frustrating to know that I'll only see, hear, feel, and taste things the way I do. That I'll never experience life outside my boundaries.

Pyschosomatic?

It feels like there are thoughts always in my head waiting in a line for me to think about them, and I have to think about them i can't sleep until the thoughts are thought or my questions answered.

2 severe "episodes?" that i acted on.
-Salt & windows, mind flooded with thoughts that some demon was coming into my house and the only way to protect myself and my family was to throw salt on all the doors and windows of my house
-Kitchen floor, mind flooded with thought that someone had killed my family while they were out and i was home alone, they were coming for me now, they were outside waiting i had to defend myself so i grabbed the kitchen knife and sharpener and sat on the kitchen floor for a good 20 minutes sharpening the knife waiting for him to come inside., (i wasn't cutting or any intention of killing, was out of illogical fear.)

Get these random impulses every once in a while to clean and order house, like I HAVE to do it.

Random thoughts that come and go and come back, think about them a lot:
-NK and USA; some weird conspiracy i thought of and can't let go of no matter how illogical and stupid it is
-what would I do if this person just got up and punched me
-what would I do if a family member died.
-SO MANY random philosophical-like thoughts
-Also thoughts related to psychology
-what would i do if some racist came up to me, like if i was in a store and i see someone i would get distracted and focus my mind on that person thinking about if he is racist or not, thinking about what would i do if he said something to me, would i be aggressively or beat ignorance with words? these thoughts distract me.. similar to number 2.

some thoughts are really bad, illogical, or crazy, but with no physical impulse just gruesome thoughts that i am seemingly forced to think about
-what would I do if someone came to shoot school
-what would I do if there was someone who was holding my grandmother hostage and torturing her right now and I was the only person who could help
-what if in one day my sister gets diagnosed with cancer, my mom loses her job, and my dad gets arrested. (illogical but still comes to mind for some reason)
-what if no one actually likes me, everyone hates me, thinks I'm a loser, a freak, a misfit, but only are friends with me because they feel bad.
-as much as i try not to, constantly doubting religion, God, and other things alike

I frustrate myself with the belief that everything I think and hope will never come true, and everything I fear is bound to happen

everything on my body has to be symmetrical, sometimes if i touch my right ear i Have a strong uncomfortable feeling to touch other ear.
shoes have to be tied to same strength, crack same knuckles on both hands, ..

feeling that the world will end if i touch that spoon; or that I changed the destiny of every person on earth by doing some simple action or even thinking some thought

keeping things i don't need because I might need them later(specific ex papers, completely unnecessary files, ) general example: if i find a battery as I'm leaving the house to go to uncle's house, i might want to keep it in my pocket because maybe the remote control at his house has no battery and we can't watch a movie so i have to keep that battery to put in the remote because then it's my fault that we can't watch the movie (not real just example) haven't acted on these thoughts, they're just thoughts that i think about a lot

if i was diagnosed with some mental disorder, than its just fake its not real i made it up mental disorders don't exist, .. but other people have them i believe they have them they exist, just for me they don't i can't have one i have no reason to, i caused it its just me

I write these things because i feel like if i don't my life will become beyond terrible. as if something bad will happen if don't .. i have to write these things because if i don't ill forget them and i might need these thoughts later

one of the worst feelings- seeing others suffer, or lose, because they are too old, or weak, or something else they can't control
example- seeing parents lose at a game on phone almost brings me to tears. as if that game was their biggest happiness and they just lost it

from not caring to fear of death

so many regrets
some examples: regretful for not giving my parents a perfect child; regretful that as a child i was fat, unathletic, short, a loser, unsocial, etc.. so therefore regretful that i made my parents live with such a kid

feeling that i was/am nothing
worthlessness purposeless only detrimental
feeling that all I've caused is sadness and anger

strong belief that everyone who "cares," friends, family,..etc.., for me just feels bad for how much of a loser i am.

so many illogical thoughts that i make seem logical to myself even though i know they aren't; believing thoughts that i know are not true or completely illogical yet still can't not believe them
.like a devout Christian taking a test on evolution. kinda. he knows how to get the grade he knows the answers he puts the right answer but does not believe it.

starting to get really distracted by these thoughts
at least 8 strong distractions a day

want this amazing beautiful life but feel like ill never have it

1/10/15- Maybe just my imaginary audience? … been a solid week without a "down episode" its never been this long since i could remember. usually is once or twice sometimes more a week. last week was because of a feeling of rejection and being unwanted.
Kinda want it to happen almost.. just so i can stop waiting.. so i don't get my hopes up as if this feeling is gone.. hope it is but the disappointment of finding out will crush me. is it just hormones?lol or is this something more? its hard to tell seems weird but i don't know i have to stop thinking I'm special and that something might actually be wrong with me

gonna say this once because i hate complementing myself.. i know I'm short and overweight etc.. but i know I'm not fat, i know I'm not ugly, i know I'm not a loser, or anti social, or shy, but i can't let go of those ideas i know they are not true but i can't Believe they are not its like i have this image of me that is always going to be fat and short and a loser but this image isn't me.. i have a lot of friends and no one openly dislikes me i get along with everyone i meet, but i still feel as if no body is actually my friend they just feel bad for me.

realized today that sleeping has gotten a lot better i sleep faster(used to take hours to fall asleep, now no more than an hour)
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Sorry for any formatting issues i just copy and pasted
and also if anything alarmed you, these are all just thoughts i cant control, few times have these thought manifested themselves to actions
Any questions? i would be more than glad to answer.. i just really want answers for myself
Thank you so if you've read this, I hope sharing this will help me
~Dann