I have not experienced the type of situation you describe, rwither1. You all certainly are all "therapist'd up". At least on the surface, it would appear you all are doing what you can to try to improve your present circumstances. You mentioned your partner's husband committed suicide 3 years ago. A completed suicide is a devastating experience for those who are left behind. Three years is not a long period of time within which to heal.

There is a truism I offer members here on PC occasionally. It is: if you want to know which way the bullet's going, look down the barrel of the gun. If you want to know where your relationship with your fiancé is heading, look down the trajectory of the past 3 years. Barring some unexpected change in circumstances, you can see where things are headed.

You mentioned being exceedingly busy & being pulled in many different directions, & also that you've just finished grad school & are transitioning from one career to a new one. Is it possible that no longer being in grad school & beginning a new career could offer an opportunity for you to spend more time with your fiancé & her son? I know you wrote that one of the reasons you don't now is because of her current emotional state. But, perhaps with a different career & more time spent with the family, this might improve... it's difficult to say. Otherwise, you know where things are heading here. And, although it is laudable for you to want to shield your fiancé's son, continuing on in this relationship, as it is now oriented, just strikes me as asking for additional trouble.

There is another truism I rather like: no matter how far you've travelled down the wrong road... turn back! Given the circumstances, it may be that this is simply not a relationship that is destined to last, no matter how much you want it to. Perhaps this is an uncomfortable possibility that you & your fiancé need to confront together, possibly with the help of your couples counselor. Doing so may, in-&-of itself, give the two of you the answer you seek. My best wishes to you all.