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Originally Posted by Webgoji
Hmmm ... you saying he freezes up at physical contact concerns me. That he tenses up during physical contact. Yes, it does sound like he's being somewhat selfish, but I'm not sure that's the whole issue. It sounds like he can force himself to do things at times, like you said, during the "make a good impression" phase and such, but you admit he seems to be really uncomfortable about it.
Is there something that's happened to him in his past that makes him uncomfortable like that? I think he needs to see a therapist, not from the perspective of fixing him so he'll be like you want, but so that he can feel comfortable with physical and understand why he currently isn't. Maybe something like Asperger's or PTSD or something? But overall, it seems like these are some pretty nasty symptoms of something else.
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Thank you; that's all good insight I think.
I have thought a lot about it and even read several books on Aspergers and had him take a few online tests once (not that those are reliable), and I do think he has Aspergers a little. His social skills are off the mark, and it isn't just me who sees this, he has the issues being touched and touching others, and he is rational and pragmatic to the point of often not understanding many people and situations. (There are a few other symptoms he has, but I can't think of them off the top of my head.)
As for the PTSD, he does behave as though he has this sometimes. His childhood was spent moving once a year, all over the US, as his father was military. His childhood was also marked by his father yelling and him and calling him names (even "son of a ___"!). His father also openly yelled and cursed out his wife sometimes too. It was always sudden and shocking, unexpected. And way over the top. And also my husband's previous relationship, before me, was marred by verbal abuse as well, and, in addition, emotional abuse like her being very passive-aggressive.
It's possible he is afraid of getting criticized or even yelled at (which is a largely irrational fear, as I would never yell at him over this and rarely have a criticized him about this--twice in our whole relationship). He does have this pattern in other areas of functioning--avoiding a relationship issue for fear of causing an upset. So that would make sense as to why he won't talk about it. And the fear of criticism, however irrational, could be a reason he isn't make an effort to be more generous in bed.
A therapist for him would be wonderful, but he would never go. He says there is nothing "wrong with him" (even though I don't say there is). We tried a couples therapist and it was a nightmare. We couldn't get past him demanding I accept full blame for all of our issues (no issues in the bedroom were brought up, by the way, instead communication issues and difference in expectations of emotional support).
I feel bad for him that he has some of the issues he has. I try to be mindful, helpful, and patient. I think his issues limit his happiness in many areas.