This is probably going to be a very long and rambling/scattered post, but I can't handle it anymore. I can't function, I have no hope for the future, my spirit is kind of broken. I need some advice, some validation, something.

I've had trouble with jobs since I got my first one at 16. That was before I was diagnosed or being treated for anything, so when I started getting help, I really hoped that working was one of those things that would just magically become doable. But no such luck. I've had probably 10 jobs, and almost each of them ended because I became so unhealthy specifically because of work that I had to quit or I probably would've ended up a psychiatric hospital again. It seems like no matter what job I'm doing, no matter how reasonable the work environment is or how unskilled the work is, my mind is always shifted to full blown panic mode while I'm there and my brain is desperately trying to escape the situation. I lose the ability to speak, everything happens in slow motion for me but everyone else is moving too fast, I am a ticking time bomb of sobbing just waiting to be set off (and I set off so easily for some reason- crying literally at least twice a day), full of incredible anger, completely unable to focus. And in nearly every position, I've become so stressed out and wound up that I've escaped to the bathroom multiple times to self mutilate (often when I haven't self mutilated in months- it breaks my sobriety from it) in hiding while on the clock. I have a really difficult time focusing (I can't figure out what comes next when I'm doing something, and I end up staring at a wall or a counter or the floor until someone yells at me for it, then I snap out and still can't figure out what I'm supposed to be doing), I get in trouble constantly for making mistakes or being too slow or not being able to pay attention, and getting in trouble almost always sets me off into a spiral - I feel useless and stupid all the time already for not being able to function like a healthy person, and someone pointing it out in a rude way just ruins me for hours and hours. Being in a fast paced environment or being on a strict time schedule makes me anxious to the point of visible anger (throwing things, crying, unable to collect my thoughts or speak), which then gets me in trouble, which sets off a new spiral.... you get the point. I find myself crying every day when I get home and then later on when I remember that I have to return to work the next day. My body and mind don't function the right way for the kind of employment that I would be able to find in my town (pretty small town, tiny university). And I've tried several types of jobs, but they all end up the same - food service, retail, office and clerical, nannying. I always end up seeming like a horrible employee, no matter how hard I try, and I'm tired of contemplating suicide or drastic measures just because I'm at work, or now because I can't find work.

I've considered applying for disability before, but I've always ended up talking myself out of it because "there are people who actually need it", and because of the reaction my family would have if they knew I was doing that. They know that I'm sick, but to them, I'm not "sick enough" to actually justify claiming that my mental health causes my issues that are bigger than I can handle - meaning that because I'm not having visual hallucinations or talking to myself, I'm not actually that sick. I seem okay enough to socialize and I'm an intelligent person, so I must be an outstanding employee and if I have a hard time, it's just because I'm not trying hard enough and lazy. (I know this because when I was 19, completely undiagnosed and unmedicated, living out of the state on my own for the first time, working two jobs, and seriously considering killing myself because I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, I told my mom that I applied for food stamps because I couldn't afford my bills and food, and she told me I was the laziest person she'd met and she couldn't believe I've sink so low as to do that when there are people out there who actually need it). I know now that disability is something that I could seriously consider, and it's sounding more and more like my only option as the days go by and I only become more and more overwhelmed and discouraged by it. I'm also dealing with severe endometriosis on top of the mental health, which isn't a qualifying diagnosis for disability, but it's crippling enough that it's a major factor in my mental state. Another concern I have with applying for disability is the fact that I don't think my psychiatrist understands the severity of my MI, so I don't know if she would support my decision. Something I hate about myself is the fact that when I do something like go see my doctor, I become almost manic (and it's the ONLY time I ever become manic anymore) and even though I can talk about the things that are wrong, I don't become emotional over them or show exactly how much they're affecting me or my life. So it ends up being me explaining how much I hate working and can't handle myself, but I don't sound like a tortured soul when I'm saying it, so it just ends up with me sounding like I'm just complaining instead of asking for help. And she usually just suggests that I talk to my therapist about it. And sometimes I even forget that there's anything wrong and don't tell her! I only see her for about ten minutes a month, and she's very nice, but she seems uninterested in the personal details and just wants the textbook specifics, if that makes sense. My therapist would be the one who is much more willing to support the decision for disability, but it's my understanding that you can't use notes from psychotherapy to support a disability claim. If I'm wrong, someone please correct me on that.

I'm also worried about what would happen if I were denied disability- that means all hope is gone, and I would probably just kill myself honestly. I'm a financial burden to my family and those I love, the thought of finding a job and going through training and everything else that comes with it makes me literally want to shoot myself, my fiance financially supports both of us with his barista job while he goes to school full time, I have 4 dollars to my name right now, I feel useless, I feel like every person I know looks at me and thinks I'm a lazy POS for not working regardless of if they know I have MI or not. That last sentence plays in my head over and over and over again and all I can do is sit here and cry deeply and painfully over how bad I feel about it all. Something HAS to happen in the next while, whether it be some miraculous way to suddenly be able to work or me cutting contact with everyone I know and dropping off the face of the planet, it has to be soon.

I need advice, I don't need hugs or well wishes I think, I need someone to tell me I'm not just lazy, to tell me that it's okay to not be able to do it, to tell me that I'm justified in believing I'm at the end of my rope and must take different steps to achieve stability and health, to tell me that they know what this is like and how to get through it. Someone to talk about the process for applying for disability, tips, tricks, whatever. I just need something. If you've made it this far without smashing your head through the desk or the nearest pane of glass, thank you. I needed to vent so badly, and this seems like the only place I could do so without someone telling me it's my own fault.