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sadeyesr4ever said:
Is this an illness? Or do we do the things we do on purpose where as we should know better and if we only use more self control?

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We do the things we do "on purpose" in that at some point we learned that those things are effective. They achieve what we want. As we develop from childhood to adulthood and so on, we learn other ways to achieve what we want as well. But if we stick to the early lessons and behaviors instead of being more flexible in our interactions, then we get caught up in cycles of behavior that are not so adaptive. So it's not that easy to "not do" what we learned works, even if we "should know better."

Let's take the example of a toddler who wants something from a store shelf, but the parent says no. If the toddler starts crying, or keeps grabbing, or throws a tantrum, the parent might give in and allow them to have the item just to stop that behavior. So the toddler learns that throwing a tantrum will get him what he wants (or her). Let's say the toddler gets older but still uses crying and tantrums as a means to getting something. Why wouldn't they, if they know it works? And if the parent often reinforces that, it becomes a stronger pattern. In addition, the child doesn't get the opportunity to try different, more adaptive behaviors if they only use tantrums and it so often works. By the time that child becomes an adult, that message and the behavior is deeply ingrained. (By the way, I'm not saying that anyone with a PD acts like a child...just using this to illustrate how we learn to do what we do.)

So the short answer is that it's not necessarily that we should know better and just don't for whatever reason do things differently. It's more complicated than that, otherwise, it would be much easier to change, right? There are reasons that make sense for why someone with a PD does many of the things they do or thinks the way they think. The hard part is just trying out new ways to do the same thing that are more adaptive.

Hope this helps.

gg