I had spoke about eating disorder was not a way to self destruct. Well it is. It is self destructing myself because if I keep it up, I will die. Yes, I have heard this many times before, but I thought oh nooooo. Its been my friend, in a way of avoiding my true feelings about myself and my life. Its my sanity and if I dont have this anymore; what can I focus on then.
Someone asked, "do u want help or not". I think about this and wonder myself. Yes, I have gone to my doctor, he is very worried. I have spoke with both of my therapists; eating disorder and my other one. But not tried hard enough to get better. I keep resisting their methods to become well. Why? I know nobody has the answer; its within myself. But yet I cant find it yet. I dont know who I am anymore. Do I really want to die? How could I? I know whats happening to my body, it will shut down eventually. When I thought about it; my kids eat more in a day then I do in a week. Oh my God!!!! How I have made it this far; I have no idea. All I know is some of these pains are unreal. My heart, doesnt like me too much. It beats funny, but not always. My chest, throat, back. I just plain hurt all over. I can handle that part but the emptiness inside; I cant. Maybe this is why I am a screw ball. So manys day; want to just give in. Take anything I can find to end this ******. Then I wake up and see, no theres more to life than this. But I dont stop. I was feeling a little better earlier; but feel like heck now. Its 3:00am and I have to get up at six. I dont want to dream, its a constant nightmare. Past childhood traumas and my abusive marriage. Why would I do this the hard way; if I really wanted to die; then I would be gone. I need to go talk to my doctor; what to say, I am not sure.

justy