Thank you Clarity and Lindsay. I am not sure how old he is or if he even has an exact age. I just feel him, we all feel him and he is very strong and we feel cold and it is so dark, black, nothing, a never ending black hole ready to sweep us all in in and instant. It is so loud there, but there is no sound really but there is and it's very red and angry like.

Lindsay I think letting him out a little may be helpful but like you said I am not sure if it is safe to do this yet. But in a controlled, safe environment it may be ok. I am not sure, I will have to think about it.

The appointment was a disaster. The GP would not let us talk as Lauren needed a mental health plan done to help pay for seeing our T, and the GP said that either Lauren spoke or she did the mental health plan.. that we could not do both. In the end though and after the mental health plan had been completed Cady came out and briefly told her what had been happening. She was very brave, her voice was shaking and everything but she kept talking, I am very proud of her. She got to almost telling the GP about the cut but the GP got up and I knew it was time to go, we never told her and we walked out and left as she wished for us to do. It was a disaster.

And then we drove to Lauren's parents house to pick up a bill. The mum confronted Lauren and she was so confused. I had to come out fast and make us walk out and leave, it was the safest thing to do. Lauren can't know what happened on the weekend, who spoke to who. It is a mess, I admit but the mum has to know Lauren is not coping as well as what she thought she was, she is her mum after all. But now the mum is really worried and concerned but it will be ok, won't it? I don't know. I should email the mum explaining what happened on the weekend. I hate doing this, trying to fix things but it is my job.

Elisa