I addressed this briefly on a different topic, but my mind tends to dwell on things and since I don't have opportunity to discuss this issue with my therapist until we schedule a return session, I guess I needed to write it out here.

When I first started therapy about 3 years ago with this therapist, she didn't have a dog with her. And didn't have one for about a year or so...but then the dog began to show up and has pretty much been in 90% of the sessions.

Mind you, most of the time it lays there and sleeps. I do not hate dogs, or this dog in general. This dog in general is very sweet and loving (an English Springer Spaniel). Occasionally, it needs to be paid attention to and rubs up against my therapist or moves to the door like it needs to go out and sometimes gets restless and whines. Or sometimes, if me and my therapist move to do some exercise, the dog will get up like it thinks we are leaving. The dog is very innocent and I'm 100% sure it has no bad intentions and just needs love. The dog is like a baby in that way.

But, in another way, the dog is like a newborn baby invading my space. As I said, when I started with this therapist 3 years ago she didn't bring her dog. But then it has been there pretty much regularly about a year or so later. By that time I had invested so much in my therapy with this therapist and it took so long to find a therapist that I connect with that I didn't really think too much of it. But recently via phone I requested that, for my first session back after a break, I would like the dog not to be there. My therapist said that "might be difficult to do". My immediate internal response was dissappointment, but externally I pulled back and said "Oh, well these are just requests" and overall concealed my disappointment as much as I could.

But part of me has been thinking in the past few days, if this dog was in session from day one, I doubt I would have stayed with my therapist at all. It feels like a "Bait-and-Switch". And even moreso, it feels like life growing up. I was the baby and was taken care of by momma, until the newborn child came and attention was taken away from me. The dog is the newborn child taking my "momma" from me. Also it feels like my therapist is bringing her personal life (in the form of her dog) into my session.

Here are some things that, however, make it hard for me to deny her the dog. She divorced, about the same time she starting bringing her dog into session, and sometimes she works late and the dog is a protection for her. And other patients might actually be benefting therapeutically from this dog being present. Maybe I am too, in the fact it is making me think of how it felt growing up to have my parents forget about me to take care of my younger siblings (at the same time they sent me off to school, a double-whammy of abandonment.)

I have brought this up in a low-grade way before. And she assured me that it is "just a dog" in the vain that she wouldn't choose the dog over me. She could put the dog in her car during session, I suppose. But during the heat of summer, I wouldn't want the dog to have to suffer in the car. Plus, putting the dog in the crate during session feels bad. I have traumatic experiences with being enclosed in dark small places growing up and thinking of the dog whining and uncomfortable in such a place is enough to trigger my own traumatic experience with being enclosed in such places. And then, if other clients are benefiting from the dog in a truly therapeutic way, I don't want to deny the other clients.

It feels like I want to ask her to choose between her dog and me. And it feels like, in some ways, she has chosen herself and her dog over me. If she chooses to not bring the dog, because I ask her not to, she might feel some resentment for me that may carry over into session...even if she doesn't say she is resenting me it may be there subconsciously.

And if she choose the dog over me, then well....you know...a dog was choosen over me. That's not great for self-esteem.

It feels like a "lose-lose" situation. I have invested 3 years with this therapist and I really do like her and oftentimes feel like I'm in love with her. It took forever to find a therapist I connect with and to find another, just because of this dog, seems awful. I haven't had opportunity to talk about this issue with my therapist, because we haven't had opportunity to schedule a return session yet (basically because I'm still waiting for some answers from a questionarre I gave her to return).

Perhaps by just bringing it up to her, it will cause me some relief. But in the end, it seems like I may have to put up with the dog, if I want to see this therapist.