thank you,
I never realized how messed up I was, until I ended up in the mental ward 3 times in a 6 month span. I have a brain injury from a ruptured aneurysm, i really think its the culprit now. I dont understand how i mad it to 49 then and all of a sudden bam, out of nowhere, the blues, hallucinations, delusional and depression from hell. It all caved in on me at once. My health issues concern me, but not to the point that I worry, because they are all life threatening, strangely, i find peace knowing that any moment, my head could explode, or my heart stop and doesnt matter to me which comes first as long as its the one.
I am trying to be positive about this year, but, I am coming up on the anniversary of what I call "I should have been dead, I should have died" and it gets me. I replay the event and wonder what went wrong, not what went right and then I want to fix it. My memories of events such as the abuse and seeing the "White light" are as fresh as if they were happening again. My heart races, my mind takes flight and Im a mess. Its hard trying to do every day normal things, its hard to be in public and something triggers it, like a bright light, or hearing someone arguing.
Im venting, forgive me. but I got to go to work and I am horrified of driving right now because of the snow, but I gotta get out there soon. I see my psych doc this week, still no therapist and he gives me every bit of 10 minutes as then shoves me out the door with new script in hand. I got so much to live for, daughter, grandchildren and even a few dreams of travel and other stuff, but it doesnt fix my heart.
I hate that i spend days thinking why and how, I hate that I pray to God asking for strength to do it and not fix it. I hate pretending that Im ok. Im not ok. Day by day is how I take it, no plans, just day by day. Thank you again for your response. I know you wasn't expecting this, but my chest feels just a little lighter and perhaps today, I will be fine.