When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage."

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."